Due Date

Dear Bella,

Yesterday was November 2nd. When we first found out that we were going to have another baby, the doctors told us that we should expect to meet them sometime around November 2nd. That was back before we knew you. Back when only your Creator knew your story. For 19 weeks I carried you. I did not know if you were a boy or a girl. I did not know your name. But I knew I loved you and would love you for the rest of my life.

On June 6th, we went in for our ultrasound and finally met you. Our precious baby girl. Only then, did we begin to learn that your story was not what we had expected--not what we had hoped. Our plans for the future started to change and adapt. Our HOPE in God was strong, but he told us to prepare. We did not know what to expect, but we knew we loved you. And would love you for the rest of our lives.

After meeting you, Bella, and seeing your beautiful face on the screen, I carried you with me for 12 more weeks. The weeks were both wonderful and terrible. I wanted more of them. I wanted to carry you forever so that you would be nice and safe in my belly. I cherished every kick.

You decided that you just couldn't wait to meet your mommy, so you came out to say Hi, 9 weeks early. For 10 minutes you heard us tell you that we love you and will love you for the rest of your life. For 10 minutes, you got a million kisses. For this momma, 10 minutes just weren't enough. But I take comfort in knowing that for the rest of eternity, you get to hear the Father tell you that He loves you.

Yesterday was November 2nd. The day you were supposed to be born. It was a hard day for your momma. We miss you every day. Your story was short. It ended too soon, and yet it has only begun. Thank you for everything you taught me. Thank you for making me a better momma and a better person. I love you, my sweet Bella, and I will love you for the rest of my life.

Love, Your Momma.

The above photos were taken for us at the hospital by Valerie Vaughn, a Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Photographer. We appreciate them and cherish them.

Thank you to everyone who was thinking of me and praying for me on my due date. It was a very rough day, but I made it through. Thank you to my sweet friends for loving me even when i'm pitiful and anti-social. I couldn't have made it through the last few months without you guys.

The Ugly, The Bad, and The Good.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can write a post on here that says, "Last week was an AWESOME week!" Or even, "today was a GREAT day!!!"  Hopefully soon those statements will ring true. For the meantime, let's go with "the last few weeks have been pretty good." :)

The last couple of weeks have been rough for the obvious reason. But unfortunately, my kids have also decided to completely change up our daily schedule on me. At a time in my life when I could really use some "alone time" or even just "quiet time" I no longer have either!! argh. Before a couple of weeks ago, Sis still took a morning and afternoon nap (a couple of hours each) and brother napped for a couple of hours in the afternoon (almost always at the same time as Sissy. Nowadays, Sis sleeps for about 2 hours in the afternoon, right after lunch, and Brother NEVER sleeps!! and rarely stops talking. I try to at least make him play in his room for a while, but if I get 45 min I am lucky. So, our days are feeling very long to say the least. I know it will just take some time to adjust to this new routine, but MAN it came at a bad time for me. I feel anxious and antsy a lot and I think it is because I don't have a chance to get the things done that I NEED to get done, much less the things that I WANT to do. I also don't get a chance to just sit and mentally process things. It just leaves me feeling unsettled. The past few weeks have definitely had a few ugly days, some bad ones, but lots of good ones. 

The good days are finally starting to outnumber the bad. We have been making a concerted effort to get out as a family and do some fun activities with the kids. We have been to some fun birthday parties, taken a trip to the aquarium, and visited the pumpkin patch. I have finally gotten a couple of things checked off my sewing TO DO list. I have had a ton of fun helping my brother's fiance plan their wedding. And I have gotten some fun opportunities to sharpen my photography skills. Here is a look at our past couple of weeks in pictures.

Things I am Dreading: Tomorrow. Tomorrow was my due date. So weird to think that for the last 9 weeks, I "should have been" pregnant. Hopefully tomorrow will be uneventful. Instead of giving birth to a healthy, full-term baby on Nov 2nd, I will be going back to my doctor to see why in the world my belly is still hurting. ARGH!

Things I am looking forward to!: sewing, taking pictures, getting a pedicure, seeing my kids when they get back from Mimi's, giving them lots of kisses, hosting my family for thanksgiving, going on vacation with my hubby!!


I have to keep focusing on the many, many blessings in my left, or else the sadness starts to overshadow them. The last few weeks have been rough. Here's hoping that the next few weeks will be awesome. :)

In a Funk

Lately, I have kind of been in a funk. I'm not really sure why. I am finally feeling better physically which is awesome. I think that this whole time, I assumed that once I felt better, life would look more normal. I would be able to do everything that I needed to do. I would be able to keep the house the way I want to, do activities with my kids, cook 3 square meals a day, start finally checking things off my huge TO DO list. But so far, none of that has fallen into place for me. Maybe the physical pain gave me something to focus on. And now that that is gone, the rest is finally catching up to me. It is a strange thing. I don't feel like I even consciously think about the Bella situation much. But the sadness lingers.

My due date is slowly approaching. In many ways, it was such a blessing that she was born 9 weeks early. But at the same time, that left 9 whole weeks where I should still have been pregnant. I have 4 friends who are due right around Bella's due date. Sometimes I see them and their big old bellies and it is just hard. I am so happy for them, of course. It's just hard.

I think my goal of getting "back to normal" has been challenging also for a couple of reasons. 1) I don't really remember what normal is. It feels like it has been SO long. I can't really remember what that looks like.  and 2) I'm not sure I really want things to be like they were. I think that our time with Bella has changed us in many ways. I don't want to forget that. She opened our eyes to a world that was pretty much foreign to us. A world where people are sad and hurting. We had been "fortunate" enough to avoid that world up to this point, but we are better for knowing it. My prayer is that we will take the things we have learned this year and use it to help others who are living in that world. To reach out and minister to others.

My goal this week is to at least get back in the groove. To try to remember how to cook (after 5 weeks of wonderful meals from friends). To plan some fun activities with my family (pumpkin patch here we come!) . Check a few things off my TO DO list, and to start digging myself out of this funk!


I do have to share a few pics that I took last week. I have a secret ambition to become a decent photographer. I would love to take photos of my friends for a very reasonable price. I bought a good camera and haven't had much time to learn how to use it. Here are a couple shots that I was pumped about though.

Of course, with faces like that, you can't go wrong. :)

I hope you all have a blessed day.

~Mica