Happy Birthday Bella

Today is my Baby Bella's first Birthday. It is also the anniversary of her home-going. As we look back on the last year, it was without a doubt the hardest year of our lives. I can honestly say that there is not a day that passes that I don't think about Bella. I always thought that that was a strange thing to say, but I get it now. It's as though she is always just a little ways back and then the slightest thing brings thoughts of her to the forefront of my mind. I think of her every time I see a baby. I think of her every time I pass her hospital. I think of her most nights while I lay in bed. I think of her always. Not all thoughts are sad. Not all thoughts bring tears. They are just thoughts. They are comforting to me. It helps me know that she is not forgotten. She is still very much a part of our life's story.

I have been preparing for this week for months now. I wasn't sure what to expect. I didn't know how I would feel, or how I wanted to spend this day. I'm still not sure that I know. I know that I want to spend time alone, I want to spend time with my husband, and I want to spend time with my kids. The morning will be spent with my kids. We will cuddle on the couch, maybe eat popcorn for lunch. We will go to our favorite cupcake shop and celebrate Bella's birthday. Our babysitter will come in the afternoon to play with the kids and feed them pizza. I will go somewhere and just be alone. Alone to think. Alone to remember. Then, my husband and I will go to dinner. To celebrate our baby girl and all that she means to our lives. There is no doubt that she changed us for the better. Because of her, our love for each other and for our kids is stronger.

I have been blessed all week with the sweetness of my friends. It blesses my heart that people remember. All week I have received phone calls, texts, emails, and Facebook messages to let me know that my friends are thinking of me. When I think back about my pregnancy with Bella, our time with her at the hospital, and the long months following, one of my prevailing memories is the love we felt from our friends and family during that time. I told a friend today that she will always hold a special place in my heart because she held my baby Bella. I know there were many others that would have come if they could, but the ones that were able to make it to the hospital that late summer night will always mean so much to me. They got to see her sweet face.

Oh, how I miss her sweet face. I wish I could kiss that sweet face. I wish I could hold her again, and hold her while I sleep. But as I look back at every single picture from our time with her, I have no regrets. What a blessed time it was.

I love you so much my Bella Faith. You are always in my heart. I carry you with me. You are my precious baby girl. --Love, your Momma