Friday, July 29, 2011

Preparation and Hope

It has struck me odd that in the last few days, I have had nearly the same conversation with 3 different people. The basis of it is this: How do you balance between Hoping and praying for the best and Preparing for the worst.  This is something that I have been working to balance since our diagnosis.

My HOPE for our situation is endless. Mainly because I know the Source of my Hope. My faith allows me to believe with absolute certainty that God could heal Bella 100%. I rest in that Hope. If God chooses to heal Bella...there is not really anything to PREPARE for. I know how to bring home a healthy baby.

But since God reveals His plans in His own time, I can only PREPARE for the unfamiliar, if that makes since. I can think through the scenarios of what could happen, what could be wrong, and pray for his guidance should those situations arise.

There is an amazing amount of comfort in knowing that God is in control of our situation. (and all situations for that matter). It takes "worry" out of the equation. Even on my saddest days, I don't have thoughts of "why me?! Why us!?".  From the beginning, my husband and I have agreed, "why not us?"  We have been blessed beyond measure in our life. We know that God is with us through this trial. We look forward to seeing the good that will come out of it, because we know that the good will come. On my saddest days, it is just that: sadness. Just because it may be God's will, doesn't mean I WANT my baby girl to die. I don't WANT to tell her hello and goodbye in the same breath. I don't WANT to go home from the hospital empty-handed. But I know He is with me.

So although the sadness is ever-present, we feel an amazing amount of peace. We feel at peace with the amount of time God gives us with Bella--however long that will be. We feel at peace knowing that God is in control. We continue to pray. We continue to prepare for the worst while hoping and knowing that God can deliver the best.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Blessings

I know that God's presence is all around us. I have never seen it more evident though, than during this time in my life. I have been amazed at all the little ways I have seen Him revealing Himself to me and wrapping His arms around me when I need it most.


Bright and early this morning I had to go see a dermatologist. It was my first time to visit this dermatologist. I had decided to leave my old one due to his extreme lack of bedside manner. I figured another doctor could be just as capable and not leave me feeling like I paid money to go to the Principal's office. So on recommendation from a friend, I visited a new doc. From the moment I stepped into the waiting room, I knew that God had sent me there for a reason. The speakers were playing some of the most awesome praise music. It was almost like having an early morning devotional time with God. I didn't even mind that my appointment was at 7am and I had gotten approximately 4 hours of sleep the night before. I just let the music minister to me while I filled out my paperwork and waited for my doctor. Upon meeting my doctor (who was incredibly sweet), she of course asked about my baby bump. I told her that the doctors were not very hopeful for my pregnancy. She said she was very sorry. She went on to share with me her story of a family member that had carried a baby to term despite a fatal diagnosis. She was able to donate the baby's organs and turn her own personal tragedy into a life-saving miracle for 3 other babies. Again, God blessed me with Hope.

About a month ago, I (desperately) needed a haircut. My previous hairdresser (who I loved) had been on maternity leave, so I began looking for someone to visit in the meantime. I ran across a salon that I passed often, but never even realized it was a salon. While looking at their website, I saw the bio of a stylist who: A.) had a really cute short haircut herself and  B.) had included a scripture verse in her bio. I booked an appointment and upon meeting her, realized that again, God must have sent me there for a reason. She was not only one of the sweetest people, but we had an amazing amount of things in common. (for one, I worked with her husband while we were in college. How random is that?) Also, like my dermatologist, she too had a family member who had carried a fatal pregnancy to term. It was such a blessing to me at that time to hear her relay the story to me and just minister to me with her kindness. To top all that off, she did an amazing job on my hair!  :)

There have been a handful of days since our diagnosis that I have not felt Bella move during the day. Most days, I feel her fairly consistently, so on her "lazy" days, I begin to get very nervous. It never fails, when I get in bed that evening, I will lay motionless just waiting for her to show me that she is still there. And she makes her presence known! It seems like these are the days that she kicks the strongest for me. She is letting me know, I am still here Momma!  In much the same way, I feel the presence of God in these moments saying, Be still and know that I am God. I have not forgotten you. I am working here in this situation. Trust in me. Hope in me.

If I am ever feeling down, I don't have to look far for reassurance of the fact that our cup is overflowing with blessings. These 2 melt me on a daily basis. I mean, look at them! It's hard to be sad for too long.





The other day, after I had sewn Bella's birthday gown, I was just overwhelmed with sadness. Not to where I was a blubbering heap in the corner of the room, I just felt like I could burst into tears at a moment's notice. After a long hot shower, I treated myself to a trip to Berrilicious (the BEST yogurt ever). On the way, I saw this:



It felt like a hug. Like God reached down and wrapped his arms around me and said, I am Glorious. In all things, I am Glorious.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Birthday Presents for Bella

I think I pretty much have everything ready that I want to have at the hospital to welcome Bella. Obviously I still have to gather all our cameras and things like that, but I have all the gifts for my baby girl ready to go.

I wanted a frame to capture her hand and footprints in. With the scrapbook paper I added, I think this one is sweet and perfect.




All of my babies have had a "Bunnies by the Bay" doll. So, of course, Bella needed one too. If you aren't familiar with these, they are quite possibly the softest things you have ever felt in your entire life. 


And this...about did me in. 





After looking in a few boutique stores for something for Bella to wear on her Birthday, I just couldn't imagine any of the gowns I found being good enough for her. Even the $80 price tags didn't make them special enough. But, then again, how do you really choose the only outfit your baby may wear? I decided the only option was to make one myself. At least that way I know that every stitch was sewn with love. I have been so excited to make this for her--I have been designing it in my head for weeks. I didn't realize, however, how hard it was going to be on me. I fought back tears the entire time I was creating it. When I finally let myself take in the finished piece, I completely lost it. I both dread and look forward to meeting my baby girl and getting to dress her. After letting my self cry for a good long while, I had to put the gown up where I couldn't see it for a while. It is so tiny and beautiful--perfect for Bella Faith. 

So, I am pretty emotionally wiped out right now.  I don't have much else to add today. I think I have been distracting myself with my lists. I have Bella's bag packed. Maternity pictures are lined up for later this month. Our Birth Plan is written and ready to go. I have been busy checking things off my list. Now, I think it is time to do some more processing. I know that her birthday will be hard no matter what, but I keep telling myself that the more I allow myself to feel and process NOW, the more I will be able to enjoy her birthday and celebrate her life. We are going on a much needed vacation next week, and then the following week is the ultrasound appointment with the specialist. It will be a month of highs and lows. On one hand, it seems like the road we are on is such a SLOW, LONG road. On the other hand, I just kind of want to freeze time. I don't want the end to come. I get excited about things that are planned for next week or next month, but then I remember that those things bring us one step closer to November. 


Saturday, July 23, 2011

I Will Carry You

Many of you may be familiar with Angie Smith and the story of her sweet Audrey Caroline. I want to take this time to share with you how much her story has meant to me in my life.

I first ran across her website about 3 years ago. A friend of mine was going through a situation somewhat similar to mine. I desperately searched the web to find a way to be a blessing to her in her difficult time, as well as to process my own feelings about her impossible situation. As I came across Audrey's story, Angie's words spoke to my heart in a way that I did not fully understand at the time. I believe God used her 3 years ago to help me prepare for this June. Upon hearing the results of our own ultrasound, I immediately thought of her website. When I got home that evening, after we got the kids in bed, I again found her site and re-read every entry regarding her daughter's diagnosis, birth, & funeral. I not only found comfort in the way she handled her situation, but I believe that, because I had already thought through everything she went though and everything my friend went through, it was as if my mind was made up before we ever got Bella's diagnosis. I knew what I would do in that situation. I had made my decision. I knew that I would carry my child to term despite a fatal diagnosis. I knew that my greatest desire would be to hold her and kiss her and give her a lifetime of love in whatever amount of time God blessed us with. Of course, I never thought this would happen to me, but God knew otherwise and he prepared me, prepared my heart.

When I was struggling with how to explain Bella's situation to my 3 year old, I again thought of Angie. I remembered that she had written a book about Audrey. I also knew that she had 3 children at the time of Audrey's birth and I was interested to hear how she explained it to them and how they dealt with it. I actually purchased the book and read it in about a day. My husband's sweet aunt also sent us a copy, knowing that it could be helpful to us. While many parts of the story and her feelings differ from our story or our feelings, the book was an incredible blessing. It also contained a chapter written by her husband (who sings in the christian music group Selah) about his experience. It was so nice to hear from the husband's point of view and see how differently it affected him and how he processed it.

The book also included lyrics to a song written and recorded by Selah to honor Audrey. The song is called "I Will Carry You." I had read the lyrics many times. They are beautiful words that bring tears to my eyes every time I read them. It was not until yesterday, however that I actually heard the song for the first time. My sister shared it with me. She had a play list on her ipod that she made of songs that made her think of me and Bella. How sweet is that. When I heard the song for the first time, I could not get over how beautiful the music was as well as the words. Wow! I now have her playlist on my ipod sitting in my kitchen and it has been such a blessing to me. I wanted to share the song with you. This video also shows a beautiful slideshow of Angie, Audrey and their famiy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

Lyrics to "I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)" by Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take 
Things I wanted to show you 
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes 
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I?m not 
Truth is I?m barely hanging on 
But there?s a greater story 
Written long before me 
Because He loves you like this 

So I will carry you 
While your heart beats here 
Long beyond the empty cradle 
Through the coming years 
I will carry you 
All my life 
And I will praise the One Who?s chosen me 
To carry you 

Such a short time 
Such a long road 
All this madness 
But I know 
That the silence 
Has brought me to His voice 
And He says? 

I?ve shown her photographs of time beginning 
Walked her through the parted seas 
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes 
Who could love her like this? 

I will carry you 
While your heart beats here 
Long beyond the empty cradle 
Through the coming years 
I will carry you 
All your life 
And I will praise the One Who?s chosen Me 
To carry you

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Back in the Groove

Well, I got my babies back!! Yipee!  Sometimes I don't realize how much I miss them until I get them back.  Brother has said about 50 times today, "Momma, I missed you while you were gone!" Melt my little heart. I have spent the morning catching up on all my hugs and kisses. We enjoyed a nice playdate and lunch with a friend and now I am taking advantage of simultaneous napping!! I'm not sure what I did right to get both kids to nap at the exact same time for 2-3 hours, but it is awesome. I got to spend some time sewing and finally got around to making myself a maternity dress that I have had in my head for weeks. I haven't really ever made clothes for myself unless you count adding a ruffle or something to a store-bought shirt. So I was pretty pumped. I'll show you my creation, but you'll have to excuse the horrible photography and lack of make-up.



TA-DA!!


I have also had a chance over the past few days to gather some stuff for Bella's Birthday. I have her little bag packed so that I can keep stuff all together as I think of it. That way if anything goes down earlier than expected, I will be prepared. Here is the headband I made for her. 



I wanted something pretty, obviously, but that also had meaning. The pink fabric I used is leftover from the dress I made Sissy for her baby dedication at church. The vintage lace and pearl button came from a sewing collection that was passed down from my grandmother, to my mother, and now, to me. The 3 rhinestones represent my 3 babies. And, if you look in the first picture, the netting is in the shape of angel's wings :)    

Bella has definitely been growing, as you can see by my 25 week picture at the top of the blog! She is also getting stronger. She is to the point where I can actually SEE some of her kicks when I look at my belly. I love that part.  I am enjoying being pregnant for the most part. I do however wish we could bump the temperature back down into the double digits. This heat is brutal for everyone, but I know my pregnant friends will agree that it is especially miserable when you're pregnant. We pretty much don't leave the house. Luckily, my kids stay pretty well entertained. The 8-foot trampoline we have in our "formal dining room" has been a lifesaver. The kids can get their wiggles out, and I get to stay in the air conditioning. :)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Busy Break

Well, I have had 2 full kid-free days and I am exhausted! I am ready to get my babies back so I can relax and get some rest. Never thought I'd say that! :)  I have had a great couple of days though. On Monday, after a quick trip to my jaw doctor, I enjoyed a little bit of shopping. It was amazing to me how much I was able to accomplish in one day. I think I went into 8 or 9 stores--in one day!!!! With 2 kids, I think my maximum number of stops is three. By the time you wrangle all the snacks and diapers and get the kids in and out of the carseats, AND deal with the 106 degree temperatures its just not worth leaving the house sometimes. After my shopping extravaganza, I enjoyed a nice prenatal massage, a visit with a friend, dinner with my hubby, and a trip to the movies!  

Today was spent on the big project I mentioned last time. I have had a few people ask, 'so..what is this big project you're working on?!?!'  Ha! I didn't mean to be so mysterious and elusive! The project I'm helping with is a total makeover of our church's childrens building. We are completely mural-ing it out. There is a hallway that is approximately 1/2 mile long (ok, D, maybe not that long--but close) that we are muraling both sides of. There are also about 8 or nine classrooms with different themes that we are painting. I painted today for about 6 hours and hope to get another 3 or 4 hours in tomorrow. This was by far the most productive day I have had on this project because I didn't have to worry about the kids while trying to paint. I know it will be a while before we feel like the project is completely completed, but I can't wait to see it! It is going to be such a dramatic change and I am so blessed to be a part of it. It is so awesome to have a way to use the artistic abilities that God has given me, in a way that serves him.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

A Good Week

This week has been a good week. Nothing spectacular has happened. Just an overall good week. As far as Bella is concerned, not much has gone on. I have actually enjoyed a little bit of a mental vacation from processing things. I tried to cut myself some slack this week. I didn't pick up all the toys everyday. I didn't clear out the kitchen sink every night. I did almost no laundry. I cooked very little. It was a nice break. unfortunately, it all piled up pretty fast. :)  I am looking forward to a few days this week with just Bella and me. The big kids are going to Mimi's so I can catch up on a big project that has gotten pushed to the back burner lately. It will be a nice opportunity to get my house back in order, get some errands run, and some projects started. I am also looking forward to some time with my hubby. Maybe we'll even go to a movie.

Mostly, I am looking forward to some quiet. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my kids and all their noise :). But I have found it hard to take the time to just sit and be alone with my thoughts. I have been feeling a strong urge to prepare for Bella. I guess it's the nesting thing again. I have her bag packed for the hospital, but i still have to make her gown. I cant wait to make that for her this week.

We continue to feel the love and support of our sweet friends and family. Today, however, it was a semi-stranger--a friend of a friend--who blessed my heart today. At a birthday party for our mutual friend, B came up and introduced herself to me. She said that she was following my blog and had some of the sweetest words to share about what it has meant to her. Then, she asked if she could touch my belly--touch my Bella. I'm not sure if I can adequately put into words how much this meant to me. With tears in my eyes, I thanked her. Thank you for touching my Bella. I think I was struck by this kind gesture because it brought to my attention that no one really has done that very much. To me, it was a gesture of validation of the life that still moves within me. She is still here. She still lives. She is kicking me as I type! Thank you, B. Thank you for acknowledging my Bella and blessing me today beyond words.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Planning

Since our doctors appointment last week, I have found myself going into planning and preparation mode. Similar to nesting, maybe, except I don't really have a "nesting" outlet this time around. No nursery to prepare or baby clothes to buy, showers to prepare for. My planning and preparation has taken on a totally different approach. For those of you that know me well, you know that I am a list maker by nature. I may spend more time making lists to pack for trips than it actually takes to do the packing. For instance, we are going on a family vacation in about 3 weeks and I already have a notebook full of lists to pack for that! So I have begun my list making for Bella. As I mentioned in my "update" post a few days ago, there are many different birth scenarios that we have to consider. I have started thinking through each scenario and creating a "Birth Plan" for each scenario. Say we find that she has passed away in my belly, I will have a birth plan ready for that. Say I go into labor and her heart is still beating, I will have a birth plan for that! Etc, Etc...  Sounds great right? Except, how do you plan for that when you have no idea what to expect. It is nice to have some framework in place so that the doctors know your wishes. For example, I want her to be cleaned off, swaddled and brought to me immediately (assuming there are no measures that can be taken to save her). I want to hold her as much as possible. It is important that my caregivers know this. And many other wishes I might have. But the unknowns can be extremely overwhelming.

Even with my first 2 deliveries, there were all the unknowns as far as, if i go into labor in the middle of the night, who will watch my son, who will take care of the dog, who will be in the delivery room with us? But even though we had all of our plans in place for those things, in the end, we knew it didn't really matter. When it was all said and done, we would have have our precious new baby and all would be right with the world.

This time around, it is very different. We don't have the luxury of time. We may only have a small amount of it to spend with our precious daughter and we just want everything to be perfect for her. We don't want to overlook anything. We want pictures and mementos so that we never forget any detail. So I make my lists. I study our gameplan. I design the resting gown that I plan to sew for her. I design some headbands to adorn her sweet little head. All in hopes that she will know how much she is loved and that we will get a chance to celebrate her life.

Convo with Big Bro

I finally decided that it was time to talk to my son about our baby situation. After much prayer and consideration, I decided that the best approach for him would be to bring up the subject, but not delve into a deep discussion about it. That way, at least he knows the gist of it, and it would allow us to discuss it down the road in small bits so that we didn't overwhelm him. I waited til Sissy was napping and he and I were in his room playing puzzles. Our conversation went something like this:



Me-Hey buddy, come sit on my lap. I need to talk to you about something.
He came and snuggled up on my lap.
Me-Do you remember how Sissy used to be in my belly? And then, we went to a hospital and got her out and we got to hold her and love on her? Then we brought her home for a long time and she got real big??
Bro-(nodding)-But she's not as big as me!
Me--Of course! Because you are WAY big!     Well, sometimes, when babies are in mommy's bellies, they are hurt or sick. Our baby is kind of sick. When she comes out, we might not get to hold her for very long, or bring her home with us. She is going to go to Heaven and live with Jesus. In Heaven, she will not be hurt anymore.
Bro--(in a very calm, matter-of-fact voice)  No, I don't want that.
Me--uh, Which part do you not want Bubby?
Bro--I don't want that to happen. I want her.
Me--I know Bub. I want her too.
Bro--I want to see her
Me--Well, we will get to see her, just not for very long.
Bro--(with a satisfied shake of his head)  Oh. Ok

He then quickly shifted his attention back to his puzzle. As he played, I told him that "The baby in momma's belly" (as we tended to call it) is a girl and we named her Bella Faith. He liked the idea of having a name for her and has called her by name often since. We also touched on the fact that Mommy and Daddy might be sad and it is ok if he is sad too. And if he ever has any questions or wants to talk about it, I am here.

As we had this conversation, I carefully gauged his reactions and responses. I didn't want to overwhelm him, or give him more information than he needed. He seemed to process it pretty well. Since then, he has talked to her quite a bit (I have to pretend to be Bella talking back to him so that he can have very long conversations about his cars, etc. with her). He also likes to kiss her goodnight. If he bumps into my belly, he'll say "Sorry Bella!"  And one time, I opened his door to get him up in the morning and he immediately threw his favorite Blankie at me. I was about to scold him for throwing stuff at me, when he said, "You can have it. It's for your baby. It will make her feel better." And then I had to work at not turning into a puddle of mush on the floor.

So, overall, I think he gets it. While we talk about the baby, I try to avoid saying that she is his "sissy" or "baby sister." He tends to refer to it as "Your Baby." I think that might be better for him not to take as much ownership in her, or become too attached to her.

Sissy, of course is wonderfully oblivious. She has served to be a nice distraction for me in many ways. One, she keeps me on my toes. She is constantly climbing on top of chairs (occasionally falling out of them onto her head!) And she is incredibly demanding. I am really trying to get her to start using some words b/c she just yells when she wants something. Like most mothers, I know exactly what she is wanting 90% of the time, but that yell gets very old. I have at least started making her utilize her sign language more often. I love seeing her sweet little hand say "please." Never too early to learn some manners right. The second way that she is a nice distraction, is that for the most part, she is still my tiny baby girl. When I see a new baby in the grocery store or at church, I am sometimes surprised that I don't just burst into tears right on the spot. Then, I look in my arms and snuggle my own sweet little baby girl. Not that she replaces the baby I might lose, but it is nice to not have completely empty arms as I go through this grief. Just one of the many blessings that God has given me to help me through this time.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Update

I just wanted to give everyone an update on our baby "situation." We had an appointment with my OB/GYN today. It was just a regular monthly prenatal visit, but I entered his office with a long list of questions. He was very patient and answered everything to the best of his ablilty. While his opinion on the end prognosis hasn't changed, it was comforting to gain a better understanding of Bella's condition as well as what I can expect regarding various scenarios for her delivery. We also asked for a copy of the specialists ultrasound report which was very helpful. I think there is something about seeing it in black and white print that helps clarify things more so than hearing a bunch of medical jargon that can be hard to retain.  I struggle with whether or not to share very many details about the actual report. On one hand, I want to paint a clear picture for all of you as far as what we are dealing with. On the other hand, the mother in me wants me to protect my baby from anyone ever looking at her as a "freak"of nature or something. We love our baby no matter what--no matter how long she is with us--no matter what she looks like--she is still our little baby girl.

Before I share more about what we have learned, I want to say this. We 100% believe in a God that could deliver a 100% healthy baby if that is what he chooses to do. If, however, that is not the plan He has for Bella, we will still praise Him. If he chooses to perform a miracle anywhere along the spectrum and our baby lives, but with deformities, or severe health issues, we will still praise Him. We will love our baby no matter what--every second of her life. If God chooses not to perform a miracle and I deliver our baby directly into his waiting arms, we will still praise Him. We trust that His ways are better than our ways and that His plan is for our good.

This is the basis of the specialist's report we received today based on the ultrasound we had at 19 weeks. The findings were suggestive of Amniotic Band Syndrome or Limb Body Wall Complex. Some of the abnormalities included both feet being clubbed, sacral cystic lesion (neural tube defect), a "disorganized spine" (curved and rotated in the lower spine, like scoliosis), and a large abdominal wall defect (which exposes the liver, bowel, and stomach).  While many of those issues could be fixed, especially if they were the ONLY issue we were dealing with, the combination of all of them, may be more than we can fix. The doctor said that the spinal issues and problems linked to that (nerves that control functions of the body, etc) are probably going to be our main concern as far as lethality goes.
So. I'm very sorry if that was too much information. I just wanted you to know. So, from here we pray like crazy. We pray for a miracle. We ask God for the desires of our heart which in this case, is a healthy baby girl. But overall, we pray that His will be done in this situation. We pray for strength and courage in the days ahead. We pray for wisdom as the end of our pregnancy nears and we have some very difficult decisions to make.

Many of the questions I had today revolved around the delivery. There are approximately a million different scenarios that we will be planning for in the coming months, but in a nutshell, they can be summed up into a few.

1) The baby is stillborn. At some point during the pregnancy, we notice that she is no longer moving, or at an office visit, they are unable to find a heartbeat. This is actually the doctors prediction on what he thinks is most likely to happen. In this case, they would induce me and I would delivery my baby girl.

2) I would carry to term or close to term and Bella's heart is still beating strong. Whether I go into labor on my own, or we come to a decision to induce for whatever reason, this is where the difficult decisions come into play. A vaginal delivery, would obviously be much harder on Bella, due to her abnormalities. A C-section would obviously be much harder on me. The doctors themselves say that they could be wrong--that we will not actually know they full extent of Bella's condition until she is out and they can evaluate her with their eyes (or the eyes of the NICU doctors/nurses). Therefore, as a mother, I would have to give her that chance. The chance to make it through the delivery process so that they can see what, if anything can be done for her.

3) If she survives delivery, we will then have to weigh the risk/reward of treating any/all of her conditions and, based on the doctors evalutation, decide where we go from there. The doctor basically told me that they will do as much or as little for her as we ask them to. How's that for pressure?

Are you depressed yet? I know I am getting there. While I feel hopeful, I also feel defeated. As if a small victory (carrying to term) carries with it so many more challenges (deciding on delivery, surgeries, etc). I would say that overall, though, I feel better today. Information is power, isn't that what they say. Having the report and being able to look up the medical terms for further explanation (and even horrific pictures :( ) has actually been helpful and comforting in a weird way. I feel better equipped to handle things down the road if things do play out as the doctors believe they will. I think our overall attitude is that we hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. There is a fine line sometimes between Faith and Denial. I believe with my whole heart that God CAN heal Bella. Only time will tell whether He WILL. At this point, I am at peace either way. I know that that peace only comes from Him, because there is absolutely no logical explanation for it.

I want to thank you all for your prayers. I received so many messages today from people letting me know that they were praying for me during my appointment. We truly felt your prayers. We felt God's presence with us, giving us a clear mind. I walked away with an answer to every question on my list. We have been so blessed by our wonderful friends and family. Thank you so much for being there for us over the past month and thanks in advance for supporting us in the months to come. We requested another ultrasound with the specialist and have one scheduled for August 9th. Bella will be much bigger by then, as 9 weeks will have elapsed since the initial ultrasound. We will hopefully be able to get a clearer picture of what we are dealing with. Plus, we will get to see our baby girl again! :)  We will then have an appointment with my OB the following week.


Love you all,
Mica

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A Pity Party Complete With Fireworks

I haven't posted in a while for many reasons. Happy reason--we've been celebrating birthdays and the Fourth of July and spending time with family!! Sad reason--I have been having a big pity party lately and I hate getting on here and rambling on like Debbie Downer. For the sake of journaling, however, I feel like it's important to remember the times when I am sad as well as the happy times with Bella--so here I am.

I'm not even sure why I am so down lately. (I mean, besides the obvious of course). I think part of it has to do with our approaching doctor appointment. I am anxious about the answers we might get and dreading the fact that we might not get any answers. I have been having serious doubts as to whether we are doing all that we can be doing for our baby. Are we talking to the right doctors? Are we asking the right questions? Am I doing a good enough job as her mother?

I am also coming to the realization that while our life seems to be on hold--frozen in this time of confusion and waiting--the world around us just keeps on going. I remember my mother talking about her time of grief after her mother passed away. She said like she felt alone in a crowd. How could the rest of the world be happy when she was so sad? I get that now. I know that people's hearts are good, but sometimes when I'm in a group of people--even family--and no one even acknowledges the fact that i'm pregnant, I feel like screaming. If everything was ok with the baby, people would LOVE to talk about it. Have I picked a name? Have I decorated a nursery? What are my plans..etc etc. But in my case, I think people are afraid to bring it up. I totally see where they are coming from.  I just feel....alone.

On a lighter note.... :)
We had a great 4th of July weekend. These two little firecrackers light up my world.






Yeah, looking at those definitely makes me feel a little better. So, we work to make it through another week. Luckily, this one holds some fun in the days ahead. Following our looming appointment on Thursday, we will have dinner with friends, a night of fun at Pelican Bay, and hosting a fun family cookout. Please keep us in your prayers on Thursday. Our appointment is at 2 o'clock. 

Thanks, Mica