I Will Carry You

Many of you may be familiar with Angie Smith and the story of her sweet Audrey Caroline. I want to take this time to share with you how much her story has meant to me in my life.

I first ran across her website about 3 years ago. A friend of mine was going through a situation somewhat similar to mine. I desperately searched the web to find a way to be a blessing to her in her difficult time, as well as to process my own feelings about her impossible situation. As I came across Audrey's story, Angie's words spoke to my heart in a way that I did not fully understand at the time. I believe God used her 3 years ago to help me prepare for this June. Upon hearing the results of our own ultrasound, I immediately thought of her website. When I got home that evening, after we got the kids in bed, I again found her site and re-read every entry regarding her daughter's diagnosis, birth, & funeral. I not only found comfort in the way she handled her situation, but I believe that, because I had already thought through everything she went though and everything my friend went through, it was as if my mind was made up before we ever got Bella's diagnosis. I knew what I would do in that situation. I had made my decision. I knew that I would carry my child to term despite a fatal diagnosis. I knew that my greatest desire would be to hold her and kiss her and give her a lifetime of love in whatever amount of time God blessed us with. Of course, I never thought this would happen to me, but God knew otherwise and he prepared me, prepared my heart.

When I was struggling with how to explain Bella's situation to my 3 year old, I again thought of Angie. I remembered that she had written a book about Audrey. I also knew that she had 3 children at the time of Audrey's birth and I was interested to hear how she explained it to them and how they dealt with it. I actually purchased the book and read it in about a day. My husband's sweet aunt also sent us a copy, knowing that it could be helpful to us. While many parts of the story and her feelings differ from our story or our feelings, the book was an incredible blessing. It also contained a chapter written by her husband (who sings in the christian music group Selah) about his experience. It was so nice to hear from the husband's point of view and see how differently it affected him and how he processed it.

The book also included lyrics to a song written and recorded by Selah to honor Audrey. The song is called "I Will Carry You." I had read the lyrics many times. They are beautiful words that bring tears to my eyes every time I read them. It was not until yesterday, however that I actually heard the song for the first time. My sister shared it with me. She had a play list on her ipod that she made of songs that made her think of me and Bella. How sweet is that. When I heard the song for the first time, I could not get over how beautiful the music was as well as the words. Wow! I now have her playlist on my ipod sitting in my kitchen and it has been such a blessing to me. I wanted to share the song with you. This video also shows a beautiful slideshow of Angie, Audrey and their famiy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

Lyrics to "I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)" by Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take 
Things I wanted to show you 
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes 
Who could love you like this?People say that I am brave but I?m not 
Truth is I?m barely hanging on 
But there?s a greater story 
Written long before me 
Because He loves you like this 

So I will carry you 
While your heart beats here 
Long beyond the empty cradle 
Through the coming years 
I will carry you 
All my life 
And I will praise the One Who?s chosen me 
To carry you 

Such a short time 
Such a long road 
All this madness 
But I know 
That the silence 
Has brought me to His voice 
And He says? 

I?ve shown her photographs of time beginning 
Walked her through the parted seas 
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes 
Who could love her like this? 

I will carry you 
While your heart beats here 
Long beyond the empty cradle 
Through the coming years 
I will carry you 
All your life 
And I will praise the One Who?s chosen Me 
To carry you