Planning

Since our doctors appointment last week, I have found myself going into planning and preparation mode. Similar to nesting, maybe, except I don't really have a "nesting" outlet this time around. No nursery to prepare or baby clothes to buy, showers to prepare for. My planning and preparation has taken on a totally different approach. For those of you that know me well, you know that I am a list maker by nature. I may spend more time making lists to pack for trips than it actually takes to do the packing. For instance, we are going on a family vacation in about 3 weeks and I already have a notebook full of lists to pack for that! So I have begun my list making for Bella. As I mentioned in my "update" post a few days ago, there are many different birth scenarios that we have to consider. I have started thinking through each scenario and creating a "Birth Plan" for each scenario. Say we find that she has passed away in my belly, I will have a birth plan ready for that. Say I go into labor and her heart is still beating, I will have a birth plan for that! Etc, Etc...  Sounds great right? Except, how do you plan for that when you have no idea what to expect. It is nice to have some framework in place so that the doctors know your wishes. For example, I want her to be cleaned off, swaddled and brought to me immediately (assuming there are no measures that can be taken to save her). I want to hold her as much as possible. It is important that my caregivers know this. And many other wishes I might have. But the unknowns can be extremely overwhelming.

Even with my first 2 deliveries, there were all the unknowns as far as, if i go into labor in the middle of the night, who will watch my son, who will take care of the dog, who will be in the delivery room with us? But even though we had all of our plans in place for those things, in the end, we knew it didn't really matter. When it was all said and done, we would have have our precious new baby and all would be right with the world.

This time around, it is very different. We don't have the luxury of time. We may only have a small amount of it to spend with our precious daughter and we just want everything to be perfect for her. We don't want to overlook anything. We want pictures and mementos so that we never forget any detail. So I make my lists. I study our gameplan. I design the resting gown that I plan to sew for her. I design some headbands to adorn her sweet little head. All in hopes that she will know how much she is loved and that we will get a chance to celebrate her life.