Throughout our journey since we received Bella's diagnosis, not a day has passed that I haven't been on the laptop researching. I mean, seriously, what did we do before the internet?? I know there is a lot of negative content out there, but for information purposes, it is invaluable. I have researched everything from her condition (Amniotic Band Syndrome), to others who have experienced similar situations, to support resources that might be valuable to me. In all my searching, however, I had not come across a good website for people who are CURRENTLY pregnant with a fatal diagnosis. There are many out there to help after the fact, but what do I do in the mean time? Today I felt so blessed to come across a couple of different websites with many resources on what to do WHILE carrying to term (CTT). The one I found most helpful was www.myveryownangel.org. It gave practical ideas about things to keep in mind while I am CTT as well as things to think about for the birth of our baby. I think Bella's actual Birthday, is something that has weighed heavy on my heart for many reasons, obviously, but mainly because I don't want to overlook anything. If my time with her is limited to a few short hours, what do I need to be prepared for to make the most of her life? I felt like this website was helpful in thinking through some of those things. It (along with www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org) also offered some ideas to help support someone you know of that is going through a situation like mine.
I think that my husband and I have reached a point where our unanswered questions are acting as a road block, keeping us from really processing this any further. The list of questions in my notebook continues to grow as we wait for next Thursday (the 7th). I have high hopes that the appointment with my OB/GYN will clear up a lot of our concerns, but the more we think about things, we realize that we will probably end up going back to our specialist, and possibly seeking a second opinion. So pray for us in the next week--that God would give us a clear mind to communicate our concerns with our doctor, and that he will have answers for us. I also ask this of those of you who are reading: If you were in my situation, what would some of your questions be? I am afraid I am overlooking something and I just don't want to miss anything. If you think of anything, you can leave a comment (they can be anonomous) or email/Facebook them to me. I thank you in advance for your help.
As far as Miss Bella Faith is concerned, things are going great! I'm not sure whether she is less active than my first 2 babies, or if I am just too busy to pay as much attention. We do have a late night bonding session going on this week. At about 11:30pm or so, she starts doing some major aerobics! I think she is almost getting big enough that my husband will be able to feel her movements! I know that will be a special thing for him to get to share with me. The other day I had been laying on one side for about and hour and when I got up quickly, I could feel her on that side of my belly! I remember this often with my daughter--to where you can almost tell where her little booty was or her back. With Bella, I find myself being a little thrown off by these "normal" things--like I am not allowing myself to expect them. But once the shock of some new sensation wears off, I treasure them!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Bella's Trip to the Mountains!
Well, we are finally home after a wonderful vacation!! We spent 5 days in and around Denver spending time just my hubby and me, as well as quality time with friends and family! Our trip included quite a bit of shopping, lots of hanging out, some sightseeing, and a scenic trip to the mountains. But mostly...our trip included a lot of this:
We literally took more pictures of the awesome food we ate than we did of ourselves on the trip. We ate at some wonderful restaurants and enjoyed some amazing meals prepared by our hosts!! Such a nice change of pace. We were able to relax and give our minds plenty of rest. But we also were able to allow time to really discuss the baby and work through some of the things that we have been processing and hadn't had a chance to talk to each other about.
Here are some pics of Bella on her trip to the mountains!
We literally took more pictures of the awesome food we ate than we did of ourselves on the trip. We ate at some wonderful restaurants and enjoyed some amazing meals prepared by our hosts!! Such a nice change of pace. We were able to relax and give our minds plenty of rest. But we also were able to allow time to really discuss the baby and work through some of the things that we have been processing and hadn't had a chance to talk to each other about.
Here are some pics of Bella on her trip to the mountains!
We had a great trip but, like always, it is great to be home! I missed my babies! :)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Much Needed R&R
Tomorrow my hubby and I are headed out of the state for some much needed R&R! It is always nice to get out of town and have a change of scenery, but at this time in our lives, it is going to be invaluable. We need the down time to process some of our thoughts, and just rest. Rest our minds, and our bodies.
I had the oddest dream last night. I'm not sure if this is true of every pregnant woman, but with all my pregnancies, I have the most VIVID dreams! I almost feel like they move in slow motion because there is so much time to remember all the details. They are the type of dreams where you wake up and really have to think about whether or not it actually happened. Anyways, last night I dreamed that Baby Bella arrived. I was 23 weeks along and went into labor. The details from the hospital were so defined, down to the nurses faces and the people from our church that came to wait in the waiting room and offer their support. In the dream, I didn't actually get to see Bella. What stood out to me in the dream was this--the doctors and nurses only objective was to get the baby out. They had no plans for her care after that. They had no contingency plan for the possibility that her condition wasn't as bad as the ultrasound showed. I kept asking questions--what if this happens? what if she needs this? --and they just shrugged. I told them that there was no way I was delivering this baby unless they had NICU on standby and had some plan in place. Obviously, a healthy baby born that early anyways would have a slim chance of survival. But I was just struck by the fact that they did not give her any hope or option to survive.
I think that this dream was born out of the thoughts I've been having lately. I'm not sure if it is the Lord speaking to me, or if I have just forgotten some of the things the doctors told us that day. But lately, I have been filled with doubts about the diagnosis. I am not grasping for some kind of false hope, but I need to make sure I ask all the questions i need to ask and explore every avenue to fight for my baby. I need to make sure that the doctors are not just telling me to give up because it would be hard. Obviously, I don't want to put Bella through a bunch of crazy surgeries, only to leave her with a horrible quality of life--I'm not saying that by any means. I just need answers. Which PART of the diagnosis is supposed to be fatal? IS there anything we can do? So many other questions... I am anxiously awaiting our next Dr. appointment (July 7th). I am keeping a notebook of all my questions. I will not let myself feel guilty for taking up as much of my doctor's time as I need to feel like I have the answers I need.
So that is where I am right now in this process. I ask those of you who are so diligently praying for us and our family, please pray for clarity. Pray that I will know the right questions to ask and the doctors will be patient in explaining things to me. Pray that my hubby and I will have a nice, restful get away that will rejuvenate our spirits.
I won't be posting again until sometime next week. I thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughtfulness in the past weeks. We are so blessed to have such an amazing support system of family and friends.
I had the oddest dream last night. I'm not sure if this is true of every pregnant woman, but with all my pregnancies, I have the most VIVID dreams! I almost feel like they move in slow motion because there is so much time to remember all the details. They are the type of dreams where you wake up and really have to think about whether or not it actually happened. Anyways, last night I dreamed that Baby Bella arrived. I was 23 weeks along and went into labor. The details from the hospital were so defined, down to the nurses faces and the people from our church that came to wait in the waiting room and offer their support. In the dream, I didn't actually get to see Bella. What stood out to me in the dream was this--the doctors and nurses only objective was to get the baby out. They had no plans for her care after that. They had no contingency plan for the possibility that her condition wasn't as bad as the ultrasound showed. I kept asking questions--what if this happens? what if she needs this? --and they just shrugged. I told them that there was no way I was delivering this baby unless they had NICU on standby and had some plan in place. Obviously, a healthy baby born that early anyways would have a slim chance of survival. But I was just struck by the fact that they did not give her any hope or option to survive.
I think that this dream was born out of the thoughts I've been having lately. I'm not sure if it is the Lord speaking to me, or if I have just forgotten some of the things the doctors told us that day. But lately, I have been filled with doubts about the diagnosis. I am not grasping for some kind of false hope, but I need to make sure I ask all the questions i need to ask and explore every avenue to fight for my baby. I need to make sure that the doctors are not just telling me to give up because it would be hard. Obviously, I don't want to put Bella through a bunch of crazy surgeries, only to leave her with a horrible quality of life--I'm not saying that by any means. I just need answers. Which PART of the diagnosis is supposed to be fatal? IS there anything we can do? So many other questions... I am anxiously awaiting our next Dr. appointment (July 7th). I am keeping a notebook of all my questions. I will not let myself feel guilty for taking up as much of my doctor's time as I need to feel like I have the answers I need.
So that is where I am right now in this process. I ask those of you who are so diligently praying for us and our family, please pray for clarity. Pray that I will know the right questions to ask and the doctors will be patient in explaining things to me. Pray that my hubby and I will have a nice, restful get away that will rejuvenate our spirits.
I won't be posting again until sometime next week. I thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughtfulness in the past weeks. We are so blessed to have such an amazing support system of family and friends.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
A Father's Love
They opened the sermon at church today with this video:
It is the story of father and son marathon team, Dick and Rick Hoyt. If you have time to watch the video, it is an incredibly inspiring story of a Father's love. I had seen this video, or some version of it before, but this morning, it about broke me. Since becoming a mother, I can pretty much cry at any video about a son or a daughter--doesn't even have to be a sad video! :) Combine that with a cocktail of pregnancy hormones and the recent events in my life, and I was really afraid I was going to have to run from the service before I exploded in some kind of bubbering fashion. When the words "Because of a tradgedy at Birth" kept playing across the screen, my heart broke.
Take a few seconds to watch this video. Then go hugs your babies. :)
Friday, June 17, 2011
Bella Faith
I appreciate all the heartfelt advice I received following my last post. I'm on the hunt for a children's book that will help us explain our situation to our 3 year old. If anyone has a title for me, that would be super helpful!
This week has been a weird week for me. In many respects, it has been MUCH harder than last week. I think that the "freshness" of the diagnosis has worn off, friends are staring to call and check on us less, life is starting to settle back into a "normal" routine---and our reality is really starting to sink in. It's so odd how in the split second that we learned the news about our sweet baby, all our plans for the rest of the year kind of shifted and changed. Even little stuff. For example, I have not really put away much of the baby gear because we would just be getting it right back out! Now, I'm starting to store some of that away for a time much further down the road. The weekend before our ultrasound, I had pulled out all my maternity clothes to put in my closet. After our ultrasound, they sat in heaps on our bedroom floor for a week because I wasn't sure if I would be needing them. We had already thought through the fact that we would have a newborn around the holidays which would affect our traveling plans--now, that is not the case. All of these things are just little things, but these thoughts will hit me at the weirdest times and catch me off guard.
I also have been starting to feel big and pregnant. I told myself that I would never again for one second complain about being pregnant. (of course, if my next baby makes me as sick in the beginning as this one did, that might be tough to stick to :) But sometimes, like when I try to sit on the floor and do puzzles with my son and my belly gets in the way, or I get so out of breath doing the simplest tasks, or when it is difficult to pick up my kids or get comfortable to sleep, I really have to work at not throwing myself a big ol pity party. I know it is going to get SO much harder as time goes on, knowing that in the end, I will have nothing to show for all of it. I really have to hold my thoughts captive and not go down the "poor me" road. I want to cherish every moment I get to spend with this baby. While many well-intentioned friends have mentioned that maybe God will take the baby earlier and it would be easier on me--that is not my prayer. I truly want to spend as much time with this baby as possible. I want to be able to hold her at the hospital and kiss her sweet little face and tell her that we loved her every moment that she was on this earth. Obviously, as God is teaching us through all of this, it doesn't really matter what we WANT. He already knows the plans for us. Plans for our good. So I fully trust Him with that. There is freedom in knowing that. Especially for a hyper-planner like myself, it is comforting to know that I don't have to be "in charge" of this (or anything for that matter). That God has it under control. It also is hard to put on my pity party hat because, while this is definitely the hardest thing that I have had to deal with, it is NOT the worst thing in the world. There are so many people going through things a MILLION times harder than this. Of that I am fully aware.
At the end of the day, we are so incredibly blessed. My kids, for the most part, get me through the day. There is never a dull moment. And even on their worst days, I don't go too long without a big hug or a slobbery kiss. And plenty of smiles!
p.s. A lot of you caught in a previous post that I referred to our baby as a "her." At the ultrasound, the doctor could not say for certain the gender of the baby. His best guess was that "it" was a "she." I'm hoping that if we have any more ultrasounds down the road, we will be able to know for sure. In the meantime, I get really tired of calling her an "it." That makes it seem like it is just a blob in my belly rather than our sweet precious baby. So, we decided to go with the doctors guess (plus, we have thought for months that she was a girl)
This week has been a weird week for me. In many respects, it has been MUCH harder than last week. I think that the "freshness" of the diagnosis has worn off, friends are staring to call and check on us less, life is starting to settle back into a "normal" routine---and our reality is really starting to sink in. It's so odd how in the split second that we learned the news about our sweet baby, all our plans for the rest of the year kind of shifted and changed. Even little stuff. For example, I have not really put away much of the baby gear because we would just be getting it right back out! Now, I'm starting to store some of that away for a time much further down the road. The weekend before our ultrasound, I had pulled out all my maternity clothes to put in my closet. After our ultrasound, they sat in heaps on our bedroom floor for a week because I wasn't sure if I would be needing them. We had already thought through the fact that we would have a newborn around the holidays which would affect our traveling plans--now, that is not the case. All of these things are just little things, but these thoughts will hit me at the weirdest times and catch me off guard.
I also have been starting to feel big and pregnant. I told myself that I would never again for one second complain about being pregnant. (of course, if my next baby makes me as sick in the beginning as this one did, that might be tough to stick to :) But sometimes, like when I try to sit on the floor and do puzzles with my son and my belly gets in the way, or I get so out of breath doing the simplest tasks, or when it is difficult to pick up my kids or get comfortable to sleep, I really have to work at not throwing myself a big ol pity party. I know it is going to get SO much harder as time goes on, knowing that in the end, I will have nothing to show for all of it. I really have to hold my thoughts captive and not go down the "poor me" road. I want to cherish every moment I get to spend with this baby. While many well-intentioned friends have mentioned that maybe God will take the baby earlier and it would be easier on me--that is not my prayer. I truly want to spend as much time with this baby as possible. I want to be able to hold her at the hospital and kiss her sweet little face and tell her that we loved her every moment that she was on this earth. Obviously, as God is teaching us through all of this, it doesn't really matter what we WANT. He already knows the plans for us. Plans for our good. So I fully trust Him with that. There is freedom in knowing that. Especially for a hyper-planner like myself, it is comforting to know that I don't have to be "in charge" of this (or anything for that matter). That God has it under control. It also is hard to put on my pity party hat because, while this is definitely the hardest thing that I have had to deal with, it is NOT the worst thing in the world. There are so many people going through things a MILLION times harder than this. Of that I am fully aware.
At the end of the day, we are so incredibly blessed. My kids, for the most part, get me through the day. There is never a dull moment. And even on their worst days, I don't go too long without a big hug or a slobbery kiss. And plenty of smiles!
p.s. A lot of you caught in a previous post that I referred to our baby as a "her." At the ultrasound, the doctor could not say for certain the gender of the baby. His best guess was that "it" was a "she." I'm hoping that if we have any more ultrasounds down the road, we will be able to know for sure. In the meantime, I get really tired of calling her an "it." That makes it seem like it is just a blob in my belly rather than our sweet precious baby. So, we decided to go with the doctors guess (plus, we have thought for months that she was a girl)
So "she" is our sweet Bella Faith :)
Isn't she a beauty.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Any Advice??
Ok. I have a question for any of you who might have gone through a miscarriage or a situation similar to ours. Specifically if you had older children at the time. Since the day that we got the diagnosis, one of my biggest concerns was, "How do we explain this to Brother?" Obviously Sissy (just turned one) is too young for this to really be an issue with her. But Big Brother just turned three, and those of you that know him well would probably agree that he's not your average 3 year old. He is extremely verbal and observant and comprehends concepts and ideas that are above his age. I don't say that to boast (of course a momma has to brag a little :) )--I just want to give you the background info. So how do explain to a very aware 3 year old that when mommy goes to the hospital to have the baby, we don't get to bring it home?? My approach thus far is to just not talk about the baby in front of him anymore. Where we used to always give the baby kisses and talk to it, I have just not brought it up to him. Before tonight, he hasn't brought it up either. But tonight, as I was tucking him in, he said, "Can I tell the baby goodnight?" Then he lifted up my shirt and yelled (because i guess he thinks the baby can't hear if he doesn't?), "Night Night, BABY!!" Then he asked if the baby was coming out soon....and my heart broke a little bit more.
He was with us at the ultrasound and wondered why mommy was a blubbering idiot. All I told him at that time was that the baby was sick. He said, "Hmm. what do you think would make the baby feel better? I know!! Lightning would make him feel better!" So he took his brand new lightning mcqueen toy car and put it on my belly. *sigh* what a precious, tender hearted, sweet boy.
So I ask of you....do you have any words of wisdom to share?
He was with us at the ultrasound and wondered why mommy was a blubbering idiot. All I told him at that time was that the baby was sick. He said, "Hmm. what do you think would make the baby feel better? I know!! Lightning would make him feel better!" So he took his brand new lightning mcqueen toy car and put it on my belly. *sigh* what a precious, tender hearted, sweet boy.
So I ask of you....do you have any words of wisdom to share?
What to say...?
Yesterday I loaded up the kids and a picnic lunch in their new wagon and spent a couple of hours at the neighborhood pool. We had a great time hanging out and enjoying the beautiful weather. We were nearly alone at the pool when a fun group arrived--including one very pregnant momma. She looked so adorable with her big tanned belly and her hot pink bikini. Her son was my son's age and they had fun playing together in the pool. So there we were, two pregnant mommas, watching our kids play, and of course, the subject quickly turned to the babies in our belly. We asked the usual questions. When she asked how far apart Sissy and the baby would be, I knew I would have to explain my situation. I worried that she would feel bad or something and then we would sit by the pool in awkward silence. She was so gracious however, and asked many questions about the baby and our situation. She was very sweet, and it actually made me feel better to talk about it, versus the baby just being the elephant in the room.
A lot of people have expressed to me that they don't really know what to say to me. I appreciate their honesty in just telling me that. I think that while people are so kind to offer their condolences, they tend to be afraid to bring up "the situation." I can't speak for other people that might be going through a similar situation, but for me, I actually feel better talking about it. It gives weight to the situation somehow which helps ground it in reality. I'm not sure if that really makes much sense. I find that I rarely have time or allow myself the time to sit and reflect on the diagnosis or what I need to prepare myself for in the months ahead. By engaging in conversations with friends (and strangers) about it, it almost forces me to actually think about the facts and how I feel about them. Again, I'm not sure if that makes sense. I just share this with you to say--Don't be afraid to ask me about things. If you ever have any questions, I am more than happy to answer them. And if that particular day, I don't really feel like talking about it, I will (nicely) let you know that too. :)
After not leaving the house much last week, we have a full week planned this week. We are trying to squeeze in as many playdates and swim days as possible. Enough moping (for now at least)--Bring on some fun!!
A lot of people have expressed to me that they don't really know what to say to me. I appreciate their honesty in just telling me that. I think that while people are so kind to offer their condolences, they tend to be afraid to bring up "the situation." I can't speak for other people that might be going through a similar situation, but for me, I actually feel better talking about it. It gives weight to the situation somehow which helps ground it in reality. I'm not sure if that really makes much sense. I find that I rarely have time or allow myself the time to sit and reflect on the diagnosis or what I need to prepare myself for in the months ahead. By engaging in conversations with friends (and strangers) about it, it almost forces me to actually think about the facts and how I feel about them. Again, I'm not sure if that makes sense. I just share this with you to say--Don't be afraid to ask me about things. If you ever have any questions, I am more than happy to answer them. And if that particular day, I don't really feel like talking about it, I will (nicely) let you know that too. :)
After not leaving the house much last week, we have a full week planned this week. We are trying to squeeze in as many playdates and swim days as possible. Enough moping (for now at least)--Bring on some fun!!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Movin' and Groovin"
I felt her move today!!! Big deal, you say?? well, the thing is, I hadn't felt her move in 2 whole days. :( I was starting to get freaked out. But tonight, she has been moving and grooving! phew! Praise God. :)
This weekend was a weekend full of celebrations! We began by celebrating our anniversary by catching a movie while a sweet friend watched the kiddos. It was nice to get out of the house for sure, and to spend time just me and my husband. Then Saturday morning my awesome husband took Brother with him to run errands so that I could take advantage of Sissy's morning nap and catch up on some sleep myself. It was much appreciated! The rest of the day was spent cooking and cleaning and getting ready for our company that night. We had my husband's side of the family over to celebrate the kids' birthdays. It was good to see everyone and the kids had fun opening all of their presents.
This weekend was a weekend full of celebrations! We began by celebrating our anniversary by catching a movie while a sweet friend watched the kiddos. It was nice to get out of the house for sure, and to spend time just me and my husband. Then Saturday morning my awesome husband took Brother with him to run errands so that I could take advantage of Sissy's morning nap and catch up on some sleep myself. It was much appreciated! The rest of the day was spent cooking and cleaning and getting ready for our company that night. We had my husband's side of the family over to celebrate the kids' birthdays. It was good to see everyone and the kids had fun opening all of their presents.
Here is Brother trying on his "Armor of God"
The kiddos going for a ride in their new wagon!! I'm not sure who was more excited about this one, the kids or momma!
Opening gifts--Don't you just love skinny minnie's little legs sticking out of her pettiskirt! Love those kids!
Today was Brother's ACTUAL birthday. He has been confused about this for a while now. We have had a total of 5 "celebrations" for his/Sissy's bdays. He kept asking, "momma, and I 3 yet? Am I still 2?"
Today, when he woke up, we opened his door and started singing Happy Birthday and he said "It is not my Birthday AGAIN." poor guy. But now he is officially 3! We ate the birthday donuts to prove it. This afternoon, I hustled to make his big b-day present while he was napping. Ta Da!
I had told him I was going to make him one and he was SO stoked!! But today when he woke up from his nap, he could have cared less about it! Oh well. At least now he has one to go with Sissy's...
I think she liked his chair more than he did!
While I had plenty of stuff to keep my mind occupied this weekend, I also had many moments where waves of sadness crept in. After the movie was over Friday night, I, of course headed straight to the ladies room. (baby dancing on bladder + large drink) As I was in there the thought crossed my mind that all these girls in here were just having a great time, enjoying an evening out and here I was carrying this heartache. As I looked in the mirror, I realized that I looked different. Different from them--Different than I used to look. I looked sad. I felt like I had this huge secret and I wondered if I would always feel this way. It was a fleeting thought, but as we left the mall the sadness lingered.
Then, this morning I actually debated on whether or not to go to church today. I wasn't sure if I was ready to be around a large group of friends for the first time. I wasn't sure how many people knew our situation, and I didn't know what would be worse--for EVERYONE to already know, or for a lot of people NOT to know and have to have a lot of awkward conversations. We decided that it would either be really good, or really hard. We loaded up the kids and prayed it would be good. I could not have been more blessed by the love we experienced from my church family this morning. While it was obvious that the news had not completely made the rounds, we were fully embraced with hugs, and prayers, and kind words of love. We know, without a doubt that whatever this journey brings, our church family will be there to shower us with Christ's love every step of the way. For that we are truly blessed.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Feeling Blue
Today I have to admit, I am feeling pretty blue. This is the first day in a couple of days that I just feel like tears are always close to falling and I just generally feel sad. For those of you who know VeggieTales, I feel like singing Madame Blueberry's song, "i'm so blue-hoo-hoo, blue-hoo-hoo, i don't know what to do!" Nothing bad has happened today. Overall it has been pretty nice, but I feel like the week's events are starting to catch up to me. I'm getting very little sleep at night mostly due to this:
The lovely rash caused by the lovely virus that has been plaguing my sweet little angel for the past week.
Luckily, her fever is gone, her appetite is starting to return, and today we are finally seeing a lot more of this:
Here's hoping that she is mostly over this and can let momma get some much needed rest tonight. I really think that my overall "blueness" can mostly be contributed to emotional exhaustion and lack of sleep. I truly feel at peace with our situation. I just know that there will be times when the day-to-day activities of life catch up to me.
Last night, I was so blessed to finally get to see my mom and dad. They have been travelling out of state when all of this news went down and just flew back last night. I know it was killing them to not be here with me, and although we talked on the phone often, it was nice to finally get a hug from them. We also got to visit with our wonderful friends who flew in from Denver to be here just in case we needed anything. Pretty awesome. We were actually able to enjoy a late night Mani/Pedi (a treat from my mother-in-law) followed by a Braum's ice cream run. That makes for a pretty good night in my book. When we got to the salon, however, the first thing my sweet pedicurist (if that's a word) said was, "oh! congratulations! you look so cute!" followed by all the standard questions--"when's your baby due? Will this be your first? Is it a boy or a girl?" Obviously she had no idea the truth stirring inside my belly and I would never want to make her feel bad for being kind to me, so I just said, "thank you, the baby is due Nov 2, I already have 2 children, we don't know the gender yet." Although that is all true, I somehow felt like I was lying to her. While I know that I will get these questions from complete strangers often, I'm more concerned with how to answer acquaintances or even close friends that have not yet heard the news. I don't want to make them feel bad or uncomfortable. But I'd rather tell them now than run into them after the baby is born and answer questions about why I don't have it with me. I guess I'll just have to play it by ear.
This evening, my husband and I are looking forward to an evening out. A friend is coming to watch the kids while we go find something fun to do. If we can stay up late enough, we might try to catch a movie or just go sit and talk somewhere. Tomorrow marks our 6 year anniversary! Surrounding all this sadness, we have had weeks of happy celebrations. Sissy turned one 2 weeks ago, our anniversary is tomorrow, and Brother turns 3 on Sunday!! We had a fun combined bday party for the kids last friday, and my husband's side of the family is coming to celebrate with us tomorrow night. Then we will figure out something fun to do with Max on his actual Birthday. So while the parties seem a little bittersweet now, it is a nice change of pace as well as a way to celebrate the lives that God has blessed us with. I am so thankful for my awesome husband. He has been amazing through all of this. He has been so supportive, and understanding and sweet to me, even though he is experiencing the same heartbreak that I am. And, other than Sissy's pain-induced screaming fits (can't really blame her for those), my kids have been AWESOME this week. Even our dog (who I most days have a love/hate relationship) has been very mellow and sweet to me. Not to mention all of our wonderful family and friends! My cup truly runneth over!
P.S. I have been TERRIBLE about responding to all our the amazing emails/texts/FB messages that you have been sending our way. Please know that I am reading, saving, and cherishing every single one. If you asked a question that I have not responded to, please message me again. My brain is a little mushy these days. I sincerely apologize. Love you all!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Our Doctor Appointment
A lot of you knew that we were going to visit with my OB/GYN today to discuss the findings from the ultrasound. I just wanted to let you know how everything went. He again, discussed the options we had and we told him that as long as our baby's heart is beating, we will continue to wait for my body to tell me that it is time. We asked about the probability that I would miscarry. He said he would be very surprised if I miscarried in the next month. Unless additional strain is put on the baby for whatever reason, he didn't see any reason I should "expect" a miscarriage. I was greatly comforted by this news. While I know that there is always that chance, I was under the impression that it was very likely I WOULD miscarry. I was afraid I would drive myself crazy thinking that every cramp or strange feeling was the beginning of the end. I am choosing to continue this pregnancy as if it were "normal." I will eat the best foods for my baby and try not to drink too much coke :). I will look at my growing belly in a whole new light and "wear" it with pride. I might even go out and buy a few cute maternity tops :). My wardrobe could use some help anyways. :)
The biggest question I have had over the last 2 days is whether or not, considering our baby's condition, and assuming it is not stillborn, is there any possibility that any of its organs would be viable for donation. I feel that if we had to go through all of this just to save another baby (or lots of babies!), it would take on a whole new meaning in our lives. While our doctor was unable to give us a definitive answer today, he will be contacting other specialists to find out if this is a possibility for us. He should have more information for us at our next appointment (in 4 weeks).
In the meantime, I will continue with my regular doctor visits so that they can keep and eye on things and make sure that my blood pressure and everything stays at normal levels, just as they would in a "normal" pregnancy.
The best part of today was getting to hear Baby's heartbeat again. Nice and strong. :)
The biggest question I have had over the last 2 days is whether or not, considering our baby's condition, and assuming it is not stillborn, is there any possibility that any of its organs would be viable for donation. I feel that if we had to go through all of this just to save another baby (or lots of babies!), it would take on a whole new meaning in our lives. While our doctor was unable to give us a definitive answer today, he will be contacting other specialists to find out if this is a possibility for us. He should have more information for us at our next appointment (in 4 weeks).
In the meantime, I will continue with my regular doctor visits so that they can keep and eye on things and make sure that my blood pressure and everything stays at normal levels, just as they would in a "normal" pregnancy.
The best part of today was getting to hear Baby's heartbeat again. Nice and strong. :)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Today's highs and lows
Today has been a pretty good day despite a very rough night last night. Sissy had been running a low fever for the last couple of days, but last night it was spiking around 105. She was burning up and clearly uncomfortable but otherwise showed no symptoms. It just so happened that her 12 month well check was scheduled for early this morning, so we waited it out through the night with lots of motrin, cool washcloths, tears, a midnight call to a triage nurse and not a lot of sleep. But when morning came, she was happy as a lark. At her doctors visit, he decided that she had a little virus that was going around and she would be fine in a day or two. crisis averted.
The biggest Low for today...
finding this.
..the shirt I made for Sissy for this coming Fall :( I found it in my sewing closet this afternoon. After a brief internal meltdown, I tried to cheer myself up by thinking, "well, I'll just save it for next time I get pregnant" only to remember that it will be a little small for her by then.
The Highs for Today were much more plentiful.
I have had numerous friends call to check on me, a friend brought a Sonic drink and lunch for my kids to me, a friend offered babysitting/playdate for Max while I took Adlee to the doctor, and so many sweet emails. I always look forward to getting those. I also was able to get in my sewing room for a while when both kids were napping. I know it might seem extremely trivial in light of other things going on, but crafting/sewing has always been therapeutic for me. Something about creating something out of nothing and having a finished project to show for it. Here are some new additions to Sissy's wardrobe.
The biggest Low for today...
finding this.
..the shirt I made for Sissy for this coming Fall :( I found it in my sewing closet this afternoon. After a brief internal meltdown, I tried to cheer myself up by thinking, "well, I'll just save it for next time I get pregnant" only to remember that it will be a little small for her by then.
The Highs for Today were much more plentiful.
I have had numerous friends call to check on me, a friend brought a Sonic drink and lunch for my kids to me, a friend offered babysitting/playdate for Max while I took Adlee to the doctor, and so many sweet emails. I always look forward to getting those. I also was able to get in my sewing room for a while when both kids were napping. I know it might seem extremely trivial in light of other things going on, but crafting/sewing has always been therapeutic for me. Something about creating something out of nothing and having a finished project to show for it. Here are some new additions to Sissy's wardrobe.
Tomorrow we are meeting with my OB/GYN to discuss everything that we learned from the specialist. We are hoping he will be able to answer the millions of questions we have formed over the last couple of days and provide some clarity on what we can expect in the weeks and months ahead.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Thank you
I wanted to say a collective thank you for the flood of emails, texts, comments, and facebook posts that you have sent our way. We know that our loving friends and family will play a huge part in helping us through the coming days. Thank you for the offers to bring dinner and to babysit. I will definitely be taking many of you up on those offers. We cherish your prayers and can only describe our overall feeling today as heavensent. I truly feel the peace and grace of God meeting me in this place.
For me, today has been about loving on my kids and spending a LOT of time online. Researching everything about the baby's condition, what to expect in the months ahead, and looking for people who have had similar experiences in their lives. In the next few days we will be talking to all of our doctors and gathering as much information as possible.
I didn't mention it in my first post (since I was kind of running out of emotional energy) but before yesterday, I had not yet felt the baby move. At 19 weeks, this wasn't out of the ordinary. However, since the ultrasound, my sweet baby has not STOPPED moving! It is bittersweet. On one hand it is almost confusing. How can we know what we know about the baby's body and connect that to the strong healthy aerobics going on in my belly??! On the other hand, it is absolutely wonderful. It is a gift from God to be able to have this connection with my baby and feel the life that God has placed there--for however long.
For me, today has been about loving on my kids and spending a LOT of time online. Researching everything about the baby's condition, what to expect in the months ahead, and looking for people who have had similar experiences in their lives. In the next few days we will be talking to all of our doctors and gathering as much information as possible.
I didn't mention it in my first post (since I was kind of running out of emotional energy) but before yesterday, I had not yet felt the baby move. At 19 weeks, this wasn't out of the ordinary. However, since the ultrasound, my sweet baby has not STOPPED moving! It is bittersweet. On one hand it is almost confusing. How can we know what we know about the baby's body and connect that to the strong healthy aerobics going on in my belly??! On the other hand, it is absolutely wonderful. It is a gift from God to be able to have this connection with my baby and feel the life that God has placed there--for however long.
The Day We Heard the News
Yesterday we heard the news that will change us forever. I wanted to start this blog to-- 1) serve as a place to update friends and family without having to relive all the details millions of times. 2) to have a record of a time that would otherwise seem like a big blur 3) to tap into a network of people who may have gone through a similar experience and can offer loving advice.
On February 23rd, we found out that, much to our shock and surprise, we were expecting baby #3!! This was extra shocking considering that sissy was only 9 months old at the time! However, after the shock wore off, we embraced the blessing God had given us in His time, and began to prepare for the coming fall with a 16 month old, a 3 1/2 year old and a newborn! After 18 weeks of lovely morning sickness, I had finally begun to feel normal and was looking forward to a summer of fun with my kiddos and my big ol belly. Our ultrasound was scheduled for June 6th at 2pm. It was weird going into it, because we weren't planning on finding out the gender of the baby. (it started out as a surprise, might as well stay that way a while longer, right! :) And after all, isn't that the only reason we have ultrasounds??? oh wait. apparently they are actually looking to make sure the baby is ok. As we began our ultrasound, Rob held sissy while big brother excitedly waited to see the baby. As sissy started to fuss a little, and brother started to inquire as to when he might be getting the sucker that the sweet nurses always give him, I asked the US tech if everything looked ok. Her split-second pause told me all I need to know. Sobs came immediately. The following minutes (or was it hours?) was a mix between a big blur of tears and details that will forever be etched in my memory. The tech could only give us snippets of information as we waited for my doctor to come in and review the images. We struggled to maintain some level of composure while trying to entertain the kids. Before the doctor came in, I asked the tech if I needed to have someone come get my kids. She said that would probably be for the best. We frantically made arrangements with my sister and switched out carseats in the parking lot before heading upstairs to the specialists office for a more advanced ultrasound and some answers to the millions of questions burning through our minds. "multiple anomalies." That was how the tech worded it. What in the world does that mean!!?? As we waited through a second US in which the sweet tech could give us NO information, we saw the "anomalies" that the previous tech had mentioned. Severe things that made no sense. but we also saw our baby's perfectly formed face. We saw two perfectly formed arms and hands. We saw it doing some boxing moves on the screen. We saw a strong heart beating perfectly inside its chest. We saw its tiny little footprints. Finally after years (or minutes) the specialist came to see us. After a quick review of the images, he explained in the kindest sweetest way possible that our baby would not make it. The condition it was diagnosed with is called Amniotic Band Syndrome (ABS). While this syndrome can affect the baby in many different ways and degrees of severity. The damage it had caused to our developing baby would most definitely be fatal. The ABS had left our baby with severe spinal deformities and malformations, both feet were severely clubbed, and a majority of its vital organs had formed outside of the body cavity. And yet its heart beats strong and it kicks away.
So where do we go from here? The two options we were given were to terminate the pregnancy or to continue the pregnancy. For us, termination was never an option. The doctor kindly understood and immediately explained option 2 to us. There is high probability that the baby will not remain with us for the full 40 weeks. In the event that it does and survives the delivery, it will mostly likely not live for more than an hour or so.
We are obviously still trying to process all of this information and the implications it has for us in the coming months. So many emotions and uncertainties. One thing we are absolutely certain about however, is that God's hand is in this. He is in this moment with us and his mercies are new every morning. For the time being, we are going to continue living. We will give even more kisses to the sweet faces God has blessed us with. We will cherish every moment. I will relish every kick and flutter I feel in my growing belly, knowing that any one could be the last.
You may wonder about the name of our blog. Strange name when the purpose of the blog is to share devastating news with loved ones.
well, this is what sits on my lap as i type. and gives me sweet slobbery kisses as her brother sleeps upstairs. It's pretty hard to feel too sorry for myself with this around. Its amazing how in a split second, temper tantrums, runny noses, and dirty diapers make me want to laugh with joy!
On February 23rd, we found out that, much to our shock and surprise, we were expecting baby #3!! This was extra shocking considering that sissy was only 9 months old at the time! However, after the shock wore off, we embraced the blessing God had given us in His time, and began to prepare for the coming fall with a 16 month old, a 3 1/2 year old and a newborn! After 18 weeks of lovely morning sickness, I had finally begun to feel normal and was looking forward to a summer of fun with my kiddos and my big ol belly. Our ultrasound was scheduled for June 6th at 2pm. It was weird going into it, because we weren't planning on finding out the gender of the baby. (it started out as a surprise, might as well stay that way a while longer, right! :) And after all, isn't that the only reason we have ultrasounds??? oh wait. apparently they are actually looking to make sure the baby is ok. As we began our ultrasound, Rob held sissy while big brother excitedly waited to see the baby. As sissy started to fuss a little, and brother started to inquire as to when he might be getting the sucker that the sweet nurses always give him, I asked the US tech if everything looked ok. Her split-second pause told me all I need to know. Sobs came immediately. The following minutes (or was it hours?) was a mix between a big blur of tears and details that will forever be etched in my memory. The tech could only give us snippets of information as we waited for my doctor to come in and review the images. We struggled to maintain some level of composure while trying to entertain the kids. Before the doctor came in, I asked the tech if I needed to have someone come get my kids. She said that would probably be for the best. We frantically made arrangements with my sister and switched out carseats in the parking lot before heading upstairs to the specialists office for a more advanced ultrasound and some answers to the millions of questions burning through our minds. "multiple anomalies." That was how the tech worded it. What in the world does that mean!!?? As we waited through a second US in which the sweet tech could give us NO information, we saw the "anomalies" that the previous tech had mentioned. Severe things that made no sense. but we also saw our baby's perfectly formed face. We saw two perfectly formed arms and hands. We saw it doing some boxing moves on the screen. We saw a strong heart beating perfectly inside its chest. We saw its tiny little footprints. Finally after years (or minutes) the specialist came to see us. After a quick review of the images, he explained in the kindest sweetest way possible that our baby would not make it. The condition it was diagnosed with is called Amniotic Band Syndrome (ABS). While this syndrome can affect the baby in many different ways and degrees of severity. The damage it had caused to our developing baby would most definitely be fatal. The ABS had left our baby with severe spinal deformities and malformations, both feet were severely clubbed, and a majority of its vital organs had formed outside of the body cavity. And yet its heart beats strong and it kicks away.
So where do we go from here? The two options we were given were to terminate the pregnancy or to continue the pregnancy. For us, termination was never an option. The doctor kindly understood and immediately explained option 2 to us. There is high probability that the baby will not remain with us for the full 40 weeks. In the event that it does and survives the delivery, it will mostly likely not live for more than an hour or so.
We are obviously still trying to process all of this information and the implications it has for us in the coming months. So many emotions and uncertainties. One thing we are absolutely certain about however, is that God's hand is in this. He is in this moment with us and his mercies are new every morning. For the time being, we are going to continue living. We will give even more kisses to the sweet faces God has blessed us with. We will cherish every moment. I will relish every kick and flutter I feel in my growing belly, knowing that any one could be the last.
You may wonder about the name of our blog. Strange name when the purpose of the blog is to share devastating news with loved ones.
well, this is what sits on my lap as i type. and gives me sweet slobbery kisses as her brother sleeps upstairs. It's pretty hard to feel too sorry for myself with this around. Its amazing how in a split second, temper tantrums, runny noses, and dirty diapers make me want to laugh with joy!
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