Much Needed R&R

Tomorrow my hubby and I are headed out of the state for some much needed R&R! It is always nice to get out of town and have a change of scenery, but at this time in our lives, it is going to be invaluable. We need the down time to process some of our thoughts, and just rest. Rest our minds, and our bodies.

I had the oddest dream last night. I'm not sure if this is true of every pregnant woman, but with all my pregnancies, I have the most VIVID dreams! I almost feel like they move in slow motion because there is so much time to remember all the details. They are the type of dreams where you wake up and really have to think about whether or not it actually happened. Anyways, last night I dreamed that Baby Bella arrived. I was 23 weeks along and went into labor. The details from the hospital were so defined, down to the nurses faces and the people from our church that came to wait in the waiting room and offer their support. In the dream, I didn't actually get to see Bella. What stood out to me in the dream was this--the doctors and nurses only objective was to get the baby out. They had no plans for her care after that. They had no contingency plan for the possibility that her condition wasn't as bad as the ultrasound showed. I kept asking questions--what if this happens? what if she needs this? --and they just shrugged. I told them that there was no way I was delivering this baby unless they had NICU on standby and had some plan in place.  Obviously, a healthy baby born that early anyways would have a slim chance of survival. But I was just struck by the fact that they did not give her any hope or option to survive.

I think that this dream was born out of the thoughts I've been having lately. I'm not sure if it is the Lord speaking to me, or if I have just forgotten some of the things the doctors told us that day. But lately, I have been filled with doubts about the diagnosis. I am not grasping for some kind of false hope, but I need to make sure I ask all the questions i need to ask and explore every avenue to fight for my baby. I need to make sure that the doctors are not just telling me to give up because it would be hard. Obviously, I don't want to put Bella through a bunch of crazy surgeries, only to leave her with a horrible quality of life--I'm not saying that by any means. I just need answers. Which PART of the diagnosis is supposed to be fatal? IS there anything we can do? So many other questions... I am anxiously awaiting our next Dr. appointment (July 7th). I am keeping a notebook of all my questions. I will not let myself feel guilty for taking up as much of my doctor's time as I need to feel like I have the answers I need.

So that is where I am right now in this process. I ask those of you who are so diligently praying for us and our family, please pray for clarity. Pray that I will know the right questions to ask and the doctors will be patient in explaining things to me. Pray that my hubby and I will have a nice, restful get away that will rejuvenate our spirits.

I won't be posting again until sometime next week. I thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughtfulness in the past weeks. We are so blessed to have such an amazing support system of family and friends.