Monday, August 29, 2011

Contraction Action

I have started to realize that there is a pattern to my posts on this blog. One will be all happy and upbeat--usually something about my kiddos because they make me happy. Then the next one will be all dark and gloomy again. So, if you look at the previous post, you can guess where this one is headed--straight to gloom-ville. But really, that is how I pretty much feel these days. One day I don't really think about the Bella situation much and everything is rosy. Then one day, it all comes crashing down. I know that some days I make a conscious decision not to think about things. It's not that I don't think about Bella--just not the sad parts. I think I need that mental break every once in a while just to get by. And then some days we are just so busy, that there is not time to think about it. This weekend, however, I have been thinking about it a lot. For the past couple of days I have had a TON of contractions. Up until this weekend, although I had a bunch, they were pretty sporadic and not really "timeable."  Yesterday I had a solid hour and a half of contractions that were 5 min apart and lasted an average of 40 sec. Luckily, after that time, they started getting further apart and then stopped for a while. Currently, as I type this, I have been having contractions for over an hour that are 3 min apart and lasting 50 seconds! I am praying that they will stop. I just pray that if/when I am in REAL labor, it will be very obvious. I know most pregnant women have a deadly fear of their water breaking in public or some other inopportune time. I, on the other hand, would shout for joy if that happened! Then I would KNOW that it is time and I could get mentally ready. It is so exhausting to think, ok, these contractions have lasted an hour now, I should gather some things just in case they don't stop. I start making mental checklists about who I will call to watch the kids. Yesterday, I made sure all my camera batteries were charged. Not to mention the fact that you start thinking, today could be the day that I meet and say goodbye to my daughter. I can't even let myself go too far down that road. And then, they finally stop and you go on about your day only to go through the whole process the next day. Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically EXHAUSTING!

I actually should probably be laying down and resting right now, but I just wanted to give you a quick update. I had my regularly scheduled check-up today. Everything is fine (so to speak). My blood pressure is good and Bella's heartbeat was strong. My belly growth is still measuring right on track. So we continue to pray and wait. And count contractions. BTW, whoever invented the contraction timer apps that they have out these days should be given a cookie. The one I have on my phone is awesome. I just push a button when they start and stop and it calculates everything for me! So handy.

Ok, off to naptime before the kids wake up. Hope you all have a blessed day. And please pray that these darned contractions will take a hike!!!


Monday, August 22, 2011

Challenging yet Rewarding

Today has been absolutely exhausting! And yet, it has been awesome!

Today we started hardcore potty training. Well, there's not really anything hard core about it. It just involves me actually doing the potty training instead of saying, 'eh, he can just go in his diaper this time. I'm too tired to get up.'  At the consignment sale yesterday, I bought a potty chair for brother to use. We had previously used potty seats that go on the big pot. 2 problems with that: 1) I had to usually help him up on it and 2) I had to stay there in the bathroom until he decided he was done. Now, I keep the chair in the kitchen (since we spend about 85% of our awake time in there) and he can go whenever he feels like it. Also, when I make him try to go, I set the timer on my microwave for about 3 min and tell him that he can get off when it beeps. Day 1 verdict: It is working perfectly. No accidents yet (unless you count when he excitedly jumped off the chair and spilled its contents on the floor!). Hopefully he will get the hang of it quickly. It has been so nice not having to lift him up on the changing table to change his diapers today. I could get used to this.
For some strange reason, he didn't want me to take his picture while he was on the pot. Go figure.



Today we also started our preschool homeschooling! Overall it went very well. This week we are learning about the Letter A and the color Red!  Some of our activities included.....

Coloring our Red picture to hang on the fridge for the week. He also learned how to spell RED.


We searched the house for RED things we could label. 

We practiced tracing an uppercase and lowercase A. (FYI, you can put paper inside a sheet protector and use dry erase crayons. Then you can erase and try again as many times as you like!) (another FYI, I LOVE dry erase crayons! so much better than the markers b/c they don't rub off if your hand smears across it, and they are washable!!)


He is so proud when he gets the hang of it! 

I made an A book (from a free online printable) for him to color. He also enjoyed sounding out a lot of the words. 

He did really well with all of the activities and kept wanting to do all the other "games" in my box. I had to explain that we have to leave some fun for another day. We did make some paper sack puppets, but I didn't get a picture of those. I think Brother is going to be a bit of a challenge because he is an EXTREME perfectionist. This works well for him in some things. For example, he speaks very well, because he will repeat a word over and over until he gets the exact pronunciation down. But when it comes to learning new things--especially things that don't come to him very quickly (or immediately!) it could be a problem. This morning, I don't know how many times I heard him say, "Mom, it's not good enough! I can't do it!"  I will really have to work on motivating him to LEARN, and PRACTICE, because he doesn't like to fall short. What a blessing though, that I get to be the one to figure him out like that! 

We did some major furniture swapping/rearranging yesterday. My Husband's aunt decided to get some new furniture which started a huge ripple effect. They gave their old furniture to my inlaws, who gave their old furniture to my brother-in-law and us! We got a "new" loveseat and chair/ottoman, to put in our office so that it can function as more of a multi-purpose room. My Hubby never quite got over the pain of turning his "Man Cave" into Brother's big boy room. I think this helps ease his pain a little bit. Now he has one more place where he can comfortably watch sports. :) 

Tonight, we are going to a flooring store to pick out some finishes for our bathroom remodel! Since my degree was in Interior Design, stuff like that is right up my alley. When we decided to do the remodel, I immediately had to draw up a dimensioned floor plan, elevations of all our cabinetry and a 3D rendering of the space. Yes, I am a very big dork. But its fun! So picking finishes should be fun (assuming that my hubby and I agree on everything! :) )

Bella has just been hanging out lately. Nothing too eventful. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am probably just going to have contractions for the entire rest of my pregnancy--just like with Sister. I am ok with that as long as I know that I am not actually "in labor." That's when I FREAK OUT!!  ha ha.  One thing I had forgotten though is how exhausting it is to have contractions all day long!  It just wears your body out.  But I can be tough. Bella has been moving quite a bit still and packing on the pounds (at least, I'm packing them on!). I should be getting my maternity pics back from our awesome photographer soon! I can't wait to show them off!  Well, I'm off to pass out take a nap! I hope ya'll have a blessed day!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Back to Reality

I have had 2 full kid-free days. Today, it's back to reality. Thankfully, I love my reality. I can't wait to see my kids. I have spent the last couple of days doing the least possible amount of anything. I have not cooked, cleaned, done dishes. I have watched 4 movies. Gone on a date with my hubby. Slept in an extra 30 min! (i used to be able to sleep til noon! now I guess I just wake up because I'm hungry). I went to lunch with a friend--with no kids!! This morning I sat on our back porch drinking my coffee and watching the Today show. Quite a treat  A: to actually SIT and drink my coffee uninterrupted!  and B: to watch morning TV. I try not to turn the TV on at all during the day--at least when the kids are awake.  After relaxing with my coffee and blueberry muffins, I decided it was time to get my booty back in gear. The rest has done wonders for me. I haven't had nearly as many contractions today and I'm starting to get a little bit of energy back. But I am starting to feel the need to be productive. I got some laundry started and finally made an appointment to have someone come and fix our washer! (Good News--our 4 year service plan expires in a couple of months so it won't cost us anything!!) There is a huge consignment sale in our area next week and I (almost) have all of my clothes tagged and ready to drop of to sell.

This weekend will be a fun-filled weekend including: Dad taking brother to his first baseball game!! (luckily it's in the suite so it won't be too hot!), sweet baby G's first birthday!, Sunday lunch with new friends, and presale shopping at the Consignment sale!! (something I look forward to twice a year!).

Next week, we start some REALLY big projects. Perhaps it is crazy at this point in our lives to start a big project, much less 3!! But maybe it will be a good distraction.

Project #1: I am finally buckling down and potty training Brother. He is totally ready. I have just been super lazy and preoccupied. So now, it's go time. wish me luck.

Project #2: We decided now would be the appropriate time to remodel our master bathroom. we're not talking repainting and getting new towels. We are talking gutting it. yikes. We will be totally redoing all the finishes, fixtures, shower and tub. Knocking out some walls. Removing a closet (whoever thought louvered bi-fold doors was a good idea is very wrong) and rearranging the space. By "we" obviously, I don't mean to imply that we will actually be doing the work. No way Jose. I don't plan to do so much as lift a paintbrush. In fact, I may move away for 2 weeks and come back to a beautiful new room! in my dreams.   Luckily, we will be able to move upstairs during the process and not have to live in the mess. That does however mean that in the next couple of weeks, we (and by "we" I mean my husband) will have to move ALL of our clothes and bathroom items upstairs and move all of our bedroom furniture out of the way for the demo. poor guy.  I'll post a before/after pic when it's done so you can see it!

Project #3:  I decided (yesterday) that next week was a good day to start homeschooling. Yikes. For those of you that don't know me, I have always planned on homeschooling our children. I was not homeschooled growing up and I know approximately one family that homeschools. I know very little about it, other than the fact that when I picture our family down the line, that is the only picture I see. I never envision sending them to school, packing their lunch, dropping them off. I know that God has given me this desire, bc there's no logical explanation for it.  I know it's not for everyone by any means, but it is totally for me. I was not really planning on doing much until Brother turned 4 at least, but lately, he has been so interested in reading and writing, that I hate to miss out on this window. Plus it will be good practice for me to have to prepare lessons, schedule our time, etc. Basically my plan is this: Each week, we will focus on one Letter and one Color. When we run out of colors, we'll do shapes and numbers. I plan to do no more than an hour and probably only 3 or 4 days a week. This will allow me to utilize Sissy's morning naptime and still be able to attend Bible Study one day and have one other day for playdate or an outing. I spent about an hour this morning printing off some activities for the Letter A and the Color Red. I think Max will really enjoy having a little bit of structure to his day and getting to do some fun stuff! I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

I think that even though we might feel really busy this next week, I still plan to take it pretty easy physically at least. I don't want to get myself worn out and having all those contractions again if I can help it. I'm so excited about our new ventures! It's nice to have something to be excited about. :)  Speaking of which...My kids should be arriving any minute. I better go get the laundry switched and dinner started so I can spend some time getting caught up on my snuggles!  Hope you all have a great weekend.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

False Alarm

We had a little scare today, but all is well. Starting yesterday and continuing all through today, I have been having quite a few contractions. There were definitely not consistent. I had a hard time counting them or timing them, but mainly because I was a little busy taking care of babies.  I knew that I was definitely having 6 or more an hour. And they were strong enough to wake me up at 4am (and keep me up for a couple of hours). I had finally decided to call my mom to ask for her help with the kids so that I could get some sleep, take it easy, and drink as much water as humanly possible in an effort to get the contractions under control. I decided I should probably call my doctors office too. Mainly, because I wasn't sure what I needed to do in this situation. Obviously, with a normal pregnancy, I know when I probably need to head up there. I actually made 2 or 3 trips up there with Sissy so that they could stop the contractions, because she was in quite the hurry to make an appearance. With Bella, however, I remembered my doctor saying that if I went into premature labor, they would not take measures to stop it, because prolonging the pregnancy did not provide any benefit to the baby.

When I called my doctor's nurse, she said that since I had been having them for so long and they weren't going away that i should go to the hospital and have them monitor my contractions and check to make sure my labor wasn't progressing. I was so glad that my mom was already on her way. She actually walked in the door as I was hanging up with the nurse. Perfect timing because I really needed a hug right about then.

I then began stalling. I had already told the nurse that I was going to wait at least another hour just to make sure that they were still going. She said, "ok, but if you have ANY more, please go in." We sat down and ate lunch but the contractions kept coming. I called my hubby and told him that it looked like he would need to come home from work. I had absolutely NO desire to go to the hospital. My biggest fear was that they would say that I was dilated or something and they wanted to admit me--which would have made today Bella's birthday. I was not ready. I took my time, checking my email, fixing my hair and makeup, and slowly gathering stuff to take just in case we were admitted. When I couldn't stall any longer, we finally headed up there.

Basically, they monitored me for about 2 hours, checked to see if I was dilated (i was not) and decided that since the contractions were sporadic, I was free to go home. If the bed had been a little more comfortable, I maybe could have at least gotten a nap out of the deal (a very expensive nap!). I did however enjoy getting to listen to my sweet baby's heartbeat for 2 whole hours. I even called my mom and had my hubby hold the phone to the monitor so she could hear her granddaughter. I also enjoyed hearing (and feeling) Bella karate kick the monitor belt every so often. No one can ever say she wasn't a fighter!

We dealt with quite a whirlwind of emotions today. We had to face the fact that today could be THE day. We had to explain to the nurses what Bella's situation was. We had to see all the happy girls checking in to deliver their babies. The hardest part for me was just that I was not ready to say goodbye. I am so grateful that i didn't have to today. I think a lot of people would look at our situation and say, 'wouldn't it be easier for her to come early so they could get it over with?'  And today was the first time that any little part of me agreed with that. For just a split second, I let myself think about how nice it would be to be done. And then I just felt guilty for feeling that way. I began searching my soul to answer my own question of "why is it SO important to me that I make it to term, when the outcome is very unlikely to change either way?"  I decided that the answer boiled down to this. If Bella is "fully grown," I will actually be able to see what she looks like. That may sound weird, but when I said it to myself I realized that is why I want to make it all the way. I feel like if she is full term, I will be able to look at her face and see myself in her. And see her daddy and her brother and sissy and know that she is a part of us and always will be.

So we continue to wait. Wait and listen for God's answer, whenever that may come. I pray that I will not have 11 weeks of contractions like I did with Sis. I pray that God will continue to prepare my heart so that I will be ready when her birthday does come. And I actually say a prayer of thanks that we had this practice run today. It actually took a little bit of the "unknown" out as we look ahead.  I can't thank all of you enough for all your prayers and emails today. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know that your support is going to be invaluable in the weeks ahead.


Monday, August 15, 2011

Funeral Homes

I'm pretty sure it should be outlawed for a mother to ever have to make burial arrangements for a child. Especially while the child is still kicking in her belly. There is nothing about that that is fair. You'll have to forgive me, but I'm in pity party mode again today. This morning I had my regularly scheduled check-up with my OB, complete with the lovely glucose test. Almost as an afterthought, I asked the one question that I have been avoiding asking. I told myself that it was because it didn't really matter, but now I realize I hadn't asked the question because I didn't want to think about the answer. I asked my doctor what will need  to be done about Bella's body after the fact. He said that after 20 weeks gestation, we have to make arrangements to either have her buried or cremated. All along, I have kind of assumed that was the case, but there was something about hearing it from the mouth of a medical professional that really sucker punched me in the gut. So permanent. So final.

My coping mechanism, however, sent me directly into planning mode. Do you know how much it costs? Do you have a funeral home you recommend? So on my way home from my appointment I started making my calls. The sooner I get it done, the sooner I can check it off my TO DO list, right. Sucker punched again. At my current age, it would not even be natural to be calling a funeral home to make arrangements for your parents. I am way too young. And yet, here I am going down the list, learning about cremations, and urns, and death certificates. For my baby girl.

Not a fun day.  I know that there will be many more hard days between now and Bella's birthday and many, many after. It is just such a bizarre situation to be in. To grieve for 5 months before you even meet the one you will say goodbye to.  And even yet, as sad as I feel, I still feel peace. God's ever-present peace. I know without a doubt that it is the only thing getting me through the days. The only reason I'm able to function and get my kids fed and bathed and taken care of.

I am almost 29 weeks. I am already to the point where my OB visits are every 2 weeks instead of every month. I only have 11 weeks left with Bella. Time has become such an odd notion. I know her birthday is just around the corner. There are days like every pregnant woman, where I think 'I am SO tired of being pregnant!'. And then I think, I wish I could freeze time. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to say goodbye! I know that God is in control of the situation and I can take comfort in that. But I just feel so.....Sad.

I'm starting to ramble. I'm no longer forming complete thoughts. :)  I don't share this for you to feel sorry for me. Trust me, I feel sorry enough for myself :)  I just want you to know that there are good days and bad days. There are days where I really don't think about things too much, and there are days where it all comes crashing down. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.


"... weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning."  Psalm 30:5

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Beautiful Day!

Well, for those of you that don't live around here, I have to tell you that today was actually nice enough to go outside!!


 I know. Hard to believe. After a month of 110 degree temps, we had nearly resigned to the fact that we were going to spend the rest of the summer locked inside.


After a pretty scary thunderstorm last night (which included 8 hours without power) the temps finally dropped out of the scalding range and into the 70's!! Even now at noon, it is only 85 degrees!



We celebrated by spending the whole morning outside. We scarfed down breakfast then ran outside to play in the sand, the water, the swings and the slides! The kids had so much fun. Sis even got to skip her morning nap.


After playing their little hearts out, we all hopped in the shower to knock the sand off, scarfed down some lunch, then the kiddos headed to bed!  Now, I have some crafts to work on, assuming I can keep my eyes open a little while longer, then I'm hitting the sack as well. I really look forward to my afternoon naps!  They are heavenly. 

I am so excited about this weekend. Saturday I am having maternity pictures taken. A friend of ours (who will also be our photographer for Bella's birthday at the hospital) is going to take them for us. I am so excited to have some pictures of my big ol' Bella belly. So I've been trying to figure out what outfits everyone is going to wear for the shoot. I figured Sissy needs a new headband or two to wear (because, you know, none of the 100's that I've made her are just exactly right :)  So that is one of my crafty projects for the day. My eyes are getting heavy, so i better get to work. Hope everyone is having a great day and enjoying this beautiful weather. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Report on our Ultrasound

Well, we had our ultrasound today with our Perinatologist. Overall, the end prognosis is the same. The doctor did not see any reason to believe that measures could successfully be taken to save Bella's life. There is always the possibility that things will look better after she is born, but if they look like he thinks they will, it is highly doubtful that anything could be done. Here are some of the things that we saw today that we already knew: A majority of her internal organs have formed outside of her abdominal wall, There appears to be a large neural tube defect at the base of her spine, her feet are both clubbed, her umbilical cord has only 2 vessels (instead of the normal 3).  We also were able to see today that her heart appears to have some defects to it as well. Although it is beating strong, it appears that one chamber is on the small side and there is a small hole. She is also measuring about 3 weeks behind on her growth. This is mainly based on her abdominal measurement, however, which is hard to determine due to her abdominal wall defect.

We asked about whether or not her condition could be reversed with surgery/ies. He said it would be a long shot involving many, very extensive surgeries that would stand very little chance of being successful.

We asked whether or not her organs would be viable for donation. He said the organ donation people do not allow babies with anomalies to be donors.

So. Those are the facts. The feelings are a little trickier to sort through. Overall, we don't feel any more sad than we did. It is not as though anything has changed. If anything we feel like we have gained more clarity and a more definitive outlook. I never want anyone to think that I have "given up". I still 100% believe that God could deliver a miracle. I think now it is more clear that, in the absence of that, we know what we are dealing with, if that makes sense. Since the beginning, I have felt an overwhelming peace with the idea that Bella would only be with us for a short time. It is a peace that only makes us believe that God was preparing our hearts for his plan. Otherwise, how do explain such a peace about something so heartbreaking. The part that has been so difficult for me over the past 10 weeks was the scenario of, what if we have to make decisions on possible surgical intervention. Obviously, if we COULD save her life, we would have to try. But how in the world do you decide as a mother, what you are willing to put your tiny baby through, and what quality of life are you leaving her with in the process. How much is too much. For me, today's appointment made it much clearer, that unless something is dramatically different from what we see in the ultrasound, we will not have to make those decisions. There is an amazing amount of comfort for me in that.

The main thing that we got out of our appointment today was just an outpouring of kindness from our doctor. Wow. Before today, I don't think I could have picked him out of a lineup. We were in such a blur the last time we met with him. I didn't even know his name until I looked it up a week later. Today, we were just overwhelmed with the time he took to answer all of our questions in great detail and with such kindness. He did not treat us as a lost cause or just another fatal diagnosis. When we asked about the organ donation, he said, 'that is such a great question to even ask. I know that many parents feel as though at the very least, that would give meaning to their baby's death if it could help another baby live. But I want you to know that your baby has meaning. She has meaning to you and your family and everyone she comes in contact with. if nothing else, you will see things differently and the 'bad' things in life will not seem nearly as bad.'  He teared up as he said this and I saw his associate who was observing wiping her eyes as well. His words truly spoke to my heart. One of the best compliments I have received since all of this, and one of the things that my husband and I have taken from this, is that i look at life differently now. I don't get as frustrated with the little things. I don't take my kids for granted. One friend said, I read your blog and cry my eyes out and then I go hug my babies. That is what I hope. That all your babies are getting a lot more hugs because of Baby Bella. I know mine are.

Of course the main highlight of the day was getting to see our sweet Bella again. She apparently takes after her big sister who never let us see her face either! Bella had her hands in front of her face the whole time as if to say, can't a girl take a nap around here! (or maybe she takes after her mom :)   But what cute, perfect little hands they were, and the tiny peeks we got of her face were beautiful as well!

You can of course see her cute little fingers. Her ear is in the middle of the left side of the frame. She is turning her head to the side. Her fist is in front of her eye. 



In this one, you can see her eye and her little smile and chubby cheek. Her hand is on her forehead.


This one is kind of the same as the first, but I love that you can see both of her hands. Maybe she was trying to box the ultrasound wand. She did not like being disturbed. :)  She is snuggled right up against the wall of my uterus (sorry men for using the U-word) which explains the big hard spot on my right side. Now I know that I can put my hand there and pat her little head whenever I want! :)


I want to thank all of you for your outpouring of love and prayers while we were at our appointment. We are so blessed by your friendships. And now, after an emotionally draining day, I plan to go to bed at approximately 8:30!! I'm very happy about that! :)




Sunday, August 7, 2011

Home Sweet Home

Well, after a week in the Ozarks, we are back to our home sweet home. We spent a week with my family by Table Rock Lake. We rented a beautiful 5 bedroom cabin complete with a game room and theater room. It was awesome. Although it was too miserably hot to do much outside, we had a great time just hanging out at the cabin, cooking our meals, and enjoying the beautiful views. The kids were thoroughly entertained by watching movies with their cousins and playing "the ball game" (which consisted of seeing who could roll the most pool balls into the pockets). We did manage to make it to the pools a couple of days to enjoy the lazy river, water slide and kiddie pools. We also rented a boat for a few hours one day and went tubing. The dads squeezed in a golf game and the moms managed to do plenty of shopping. It was a much needed getaway, but as always, it is nice to get home.

We are enjoying a nice break in our 110+ degree weather with some awesome showers this weekend. I pray that it is still cool enough to go outside by the time my kids wake up from their naps. They have been awesome, but I would imagine they are getting a little stir-crazy from being stuck in the house--i know I am. It is just WAY too hot for this pregnant momma to step foot outside. I got out to rent a movie at redbox yesterday and I was pretty sure my legs were melting.

My hubby was out of town this weekend, so the kids and I pretty much just vegged out at the house. It was so nice just to get to spend some one-on-one time with them. Sis wakes up at least an hour before brother and then Bro and I get to hang out while she takes her morning nap. It has been really nice and they have both been so incredibly sweet. Sister is really starting to show such a cute personality. She laughs whenever Brother burps! How does a one year old know that burps are funny?! And she tries to copy everything that Bro does. She desperately wants to be big! She has started imitating animal sounds, so hopefully she will start trying to say some words soon!  Brother is starting to be show interest in reading and writing. He can sound out simple 3 letter words (thanks to the LeapFrog Word Factory movie!) and he likes to practice writing letters. He also loves for me to quiz him by saying, "What does ____ start with?" Then he will sound it out and answer correctly nearly always. Not bad considering he just turned three. It has been fun to see him get so excited when he figures things out.

This week is kind of a big week for us. Our ultrasound with the perinatologist is scheduled for this Tuesday afternoon. I am going into it with hope and excitement. I think part of me thinks, "the news can't really get much WORSE, right?" (*knock on wood*)  And although the doctor's aren't expecting anything to have changed, I can't help but hope that it has. Regardless of what is found, it will be nice to have a clearer idea of how things are looking. But mostly, I am looking forward to seeing my baby girl again.

So please pray for us the next few days. Pray for peace and clarity. Pray for a miracle.