Report on our Ultrasound

Well, we had our ultrasound today with our Perinatologist. Overall, the end prognosis is the same. The doctor did not see any reason to believe that measures could successfully be taken to save Bella's life. There is always the possibility that things will look better after she is born, but if they look like he thinks they will, it is highly doubtful that anything could be done. Here are some of the things that we saw today that we already knew: A majority of her internal organs have formed outside of her abdominal wall, There appears to be a large neural tube defect at the base of her spine, her feet are both clubbed, her umbilical cord has only 2 vessels (instead of the normal 3).  We also were able to see today that her heart appears to have some defects to it as well. Although it is beating strong, it appears that one chamber is on the small side and there is a small hole. She is also measuring about 3 weeks behind on her growth. This is mainly based on her abdominal measurement, however, which is hard to determine due to her abdominal wall defect.

We asked about whether or not her condition could be reversed with surgery/ies. He said it would be a long shot involving many, very extensive surgeries that would stand very little chance of being successful.

We asked whether or not her organs would be viable for donation. He said the organ donation people do not allow babies with anomalies to be donors.

So. Those are the facts. The feelings are a little trickier to sort through. Overall, we don't feel any more sad than we did. It is not as though anything has changed. If anything we feel like we have gained more clarity and a more definitive outlook. I never want anyone to think that I have "given up". I still 100% believe that God could deliver a miracle. I think now it is more clear that, in the absence of that, we know what we are dealing with, if that makes sense. Since the beginning, I have felt an overwhelming peace with the idea that Bella would only be with us for a short time. It is a peace that only makes us believe that God was preparing our hearts for his plan. Otherwise, how do explain such a peace about something so heartbreaking. The part that has been so difficult for me over the past 10 weeks was the scenario of, what if we have to make decisions on possible surgical intervention. Obviously, if we COULD save her life, we would have to try. But how in the world do you decide as a mother, what you are willing to put your tiny baby through, and what quality of life are you leaving her with in the process. How much is too much. For me, today's appointment made it much clearer, that unless something is dramatically different from what we see in the ultrasound, we will not have to make those decisions. There is an amazing amount of comfort for me in that.

The main thing that we got out of our appointment today was just an outpouring of kindness from our doctor. Wow. Before today, I don't think I could have picked him out of a lineup. We were in such a blur the last time we met with him. I didn't even know his name until I looked it up a week later. Today, we were just overwhelmed with the time he took to answer all of our questions in great detail and with such kindness. He did not treat us as a lost cause or just another fatal diagnosis. When we asked about the organ donation, he said, 'that is such a great question to even ask. I know that many parents feel as though at the very least, that would give meaning to their baby's death if it could help another baby live. But I want you to know that your baby has meaning. She has meaning to you and your family and everyone she comes in contact with. if nothing else, you will see things differently and the 'bad' things in life will not seem nearly as bad.'  He teared up as he said this and I saw his associate who was observing wiping her eyes as well. His words truly spoke to my heart. One of the best compliments I have received since all of this, and one of the things that my husband and I have taken from this, is that i look at life differently now. I don't get as frustrated with the little things. I don't take my kids for granted. One friend said, I read your blog and cry my eyes out and then I go hug my babies. That is what I hope. That all your babies are getting a lot more hugs because of Baby Bella. I know mine are.

Of course the main highlight of the day was getting to see our sweet Bella again. She apparently takes after her big sister who never let us see her face either! Bella had her hands in front of her face the whole time as if to say, can't a girl take a nap around here! (or maybe she takes after her mom :)   But what cute, perfect little hands they were, and the tiny peeks we got of her face were beautiful as well!

You can of course see her cute little fingers. Her ear is in the middle of the left side of the frame. She is turning her head to the side. Her fist is in front of her eye. 

In this one, you can see her eye and her little smile and chubby cheek. Her hand is on her forehead.

This one is kind of the same as the first, but I love that you can see both of her hands. Maybe she was trying to box the ultrasound wand. She did not like being disturbed. :)  She is snuggled right up against the wall of my uterus (sorry men for using the U-word) which explains the big hard spot on my right side. Now I know that I can put my hand there and pat her little head whenever I want! :)

I want to thank all of you for your outpouring of love and prayers while we were at our appointment. We are so blessed by your friendships. And now, after an emotionally draining day, I plan to go to bed at approximately 8:30!! I'm very happy about that! :)