Funeral Homes

I'm pretty sure it should be outlawed for a mother to ever have to make burial arrangements for a child. Especially while the child is still kicking in her belly. There is nothing about that that is fair. You'll have to forgive me, but I'm in pity party mode again today. This morning I had my regularly scheduled check-up with my OB, complete with the lovely glucose test. Almost as an afterthought, I asked the one question that I have been avoiding asking. I told myself that it was because it didn't really matter, but now I realize I hadn't asked the question because I didn't want to think about the answer. I asked my doctor what will need  to be done about Bella's body after the fact. He said that after 20 weeks gestation, we have to make arrangements to either have her buried or cremated. All along, I have kind of assumed that was the case, but there was something about hearing it from the mouth of a medical professional that really sucker punched me in the gut. So permanent. So final.

My coping mechanism, however, sent me directly into planning mode. Do you know how much it costs? Do you have a funeral home you recommend? So on my way home from my appointment I started making my calls. The sooner I get it done, the sooner I can check it off my TO DO list, right. Sucker punched again. At my current age, it would not even be natural to be calling a funeral home to make arrangements for your parents. I am way too young. And yet, here I am going down the list, learning about cremations, and urns, and death certificates. For my baby girl.

Not a fun day.  I know that there will be many more hard days between now and Bella's birthday and many, many after. It is just such a bizarre situation to be in. To grieve for 5 months before you even meet the one you will say goodbye to.  And even yet, as sad as I feel, I still feel peace. God's ever-present peace. I know without a doubt that it is the only thing getting me through the days. The only reason I'm able to function and get my kids fed and bathed and taken care of.

I am almost 29 weeks. I am already to the point where my OB visits are every 2 weeks instead of every month. I only have 11 weeks left with Bella. Time has become such an odd notion. I know her birthday is just around the corner. There are days like every pregnant woman, where I think 'I am SO tired of being pregnant!'. And then I think, I wish I could freeze time. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to say goodbye! I know that God is in control of the situation and I can take comfort in that. But I just feel so.....Sad.

I'm starting to ramble. I'm no longer forming complete thoughts. :)  I don't share this for you to feel sorry for me. Trust me, I feel sorry enough for myself :)  I just want you to know that there are good days and bad days. There are days where I really don't think about things too much, and there are days where it all comes crashing down. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

"... weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning."  Psalm 30:5