The Day We Heard the News

Yesterday we heard the news that will change us forever. I wanted to start this blog to-- 1) serve as a place to update friends and family without having to relive all the details millions of times. 2) to have a record of a time that would otherwise seem like a big blur  3) to tap into a network of people who may have gone through a similar experience and can offer loving advice.

On February 23rd, we found out that, much to our shock and surprise, we were expecting baby #3!! This was extra shocking considering that sissy was only 9 months old at the time! However, after the shock wore off, we embraced the blessing God had given us in His time, and began to prepare for the coming fall with a 16 month old, a 3 1/2 year old and a newborn!  After 18 weeks of lovely morning sickness, I had finally begun to feel normal and was looking forward to a summer of fun with my kiddos and my big ol belly. Our ultrasound was scheduled for June 6th at 2pm. It was weird going into it, because we weren't planning on finding out the gender of the baby. (it started out as a surprise, might as well stay that way a while longer, right! :) And after all, isn't that the only reason we have ultrasounds??? oh wait. apparently they are actually looking to make sure the baby is ok. As we began our ultrasound, Rob held sissy while big brother excitedly waited to see the baby. As sissy started to fuss a little, and brother started to inquire as to when he might be getting the sucker that the sweet nurses always give him, I asked the US tech if everything looked ok. Her split-second pause told me all I need to know. Sobs came immediately. The following minutes (or was it hours?) was a mix between a big blur of tears and details that will forever be etched in my memory. The tech could only give us snippets of information as we waited for my doctor to come in and review the images. We struggled to maintain some level of composure while trying to entertain the kids. Before the doctor came in, I asked the tech if I needed to have someone come get my kids. She said that would probably be for the best. We frantically made arrangements with my sister and switched out carseats in the parking lot before heading upstairs to the specialists office for a more advanced ultrasound and some answers to the millions of questions burning through our minds. "multiple anomalies." That was how the tech worded it. What in the world does that mean!!??   As we waited through a second US in which the sweet tech could give us NO information, we saw the "anomalies" that the previous tech had mentioned. Severe things that made no sense. but we also saw our baby's perfectly formed face. We saw two perfectly formed arms and hands. We saw it doing some boxing moves on the screen. We saw a strong heart beating perfectly inside its chest. We saw its tiny little footprints. Finally after years (or minutes) the specialist came to see us. After a quick review of the images, he explained in the kindest sweetest way possible that our baby would not make it. The condition it was diagnosed with is called Amniotic Band Syndrome (ABS). While this syndrome can affect the baby in many different ways and degrees of severity. The damage it had caused to our developing baby would most definitely be fatal. The ABS had left our baby with severe spinal deformities and malformations, both feet were severely clubbed, and a majority of its vital organs had formed outside of the body cavity. And yet its heart beats strong and it kicks away.
So where do we go from here?  The two options we were given were to terminate the pregnancy or to continue the pregnancy. For us, termination was never an option. The doctor kindly understood and immediately explained option 2 to us. There is high probability that the baby will not remain with us for the full 40 weeks. In the event that it does and survives the delivery, it will mostly likely not live for more than an hour or so.

We are obviously still trying to process all of this information and the implications it has for us in the coming months. So many emotions and uncertainties. One thing we are absolutely certain about however, is that God's hand is in this. He is in this moment with us and his mercies are new every morning. For the time being, we are going to continue living. We will give even more kisses to the sweet faces God has blessed us with. We will cherish every moment. I will relish every kick and flutter I feel in my growing belly, knowing that any one could be the last.

You may wonder about the name of our blog. Strange name when the purpose of the blog is to share devastating news with loved ones.

well, this is what sits on my lap as i type. and gives me sweet slobbery kisses as her brother sleeps upstairs. It's pretty hard to feel too sorry for myself with this around. Its amazing how in a split second, temper tantrums,  runny noses, and dirty diapers make me want to laugh with joy!