Bella's Birth Story: Part Three

The night after Bella's birth I probably only slept about 2 hours total. Every time I was awakened by a nurse, I had to stare at my baby for a while before drifting back to sleep. When 7:00 rolled around, I was anxious to wake up so I didn't miss a second of our day with her. I ordered breakfast--surprisingly scrumptious for a hospital (or maybe I was just STARVING). My Husband ran back to our house to shower and help my parents get the kids up and around so that they could come see their momma and meet their baby sister.

During the hour or so that he was gone, I got to enjoy spending some precious time, just me and Bella. I took off the white gown that they had dressed her in the night before and carefully dressed her in the resting gown that I had made for her. The gown was a newborn size, but of course, it swallowed my tiny little angel. I had to roll the sleeves up 3 times so that they were the perfect length. While getting her all situated, I was also able to take in every inch of her beautiful little body. As hard as it was to see, it was so comforting to know that even as I was looking at it, she was enjoying her new body in Heaven--her perfectly healed body. Everything was just as it had appeared in the ultrasounds. Becky had lovingly wrapped her abdomen to keep it protected, the neural tube defect on her back was present. Her tiny little legs were twisted slightly due to the curvature at the base of her spine, and her precious little feet were turned in. She was perfect. One foot was turned slightly more that the other, creating the absolute cutest little footprint. Her legs were cuddled up under her tiny little booty making her seem even smaller than her 12 1/4 inches. I finished tying the bows on her dress and cuddled with her while we waited for my other babies to arrive.

When my parents, hubby, and kiddos got to the hospital, I was so nervous about how it would all go down. Sissy is notoriously a momma's girl and I was afraid that she would be upset to see me holding another baby. Or she would want me to hold her and I would be physically unable to.  I worried that Brother would ask questions like, "mommy, why isn't she moving?" and I wasn't sure how to word my responses. Their reactions to the situation were absolutely perfect, though. It was such a blessing to me. They were both thrilled to see me, which always warms a mother's heart. I asked Brother if he wanted to climb into bed next to me. His daddy helped him up and he snuggled up next to me and Bella. He was so sweet and gentle and just loved on us and kissed Bella. "Hi baby Bella", he cooed in his sweet big brother voice. He never asked questions. Just loved on her and patted her. Sissy joined us on the bed and  also was so gentle. She patted Bella's little head and grinned at me. Brother asked if he could hold Bella, so we got rearranged and I placed her in his little arms. He held her so sweetly and kissed her face and hands over and over with a huge smile on his face. What precious moments with my three babies. We took lots of pictures and then the kids scurried over to sit with their daddy. My parents took turns holding Bella for a while and then they took the kids back home.

Shortly after they left, my brother and his awesome girlfriend got to come up and see Bella. The rest of the day was filled with a nice stream of visitors. It was so special that so many people got to meet her and love on her. I was grateful that others would get to remember her too. After school, my sister got to come back with my niece (who is 7 and old enough to understand the situation), as well and my 2 younger nephews. I was worried that my niece would be freaked out by everything, but she was so sweet and loving and even held Bella for a while. My mom had come back up with my sister. I told them that they should probably say their goodbyes to Bella because we were not sure how much longer we would hold on to her. It was an emotional time, but we were able to capture some final pictures before they headed out.

The day was absolutely perfect. Even though we had lots of people come visit, we were never overwhelmed and we had plenty of time just the three of us. My husband also got time alone with her while I took a shower. You might remember that our sweet friend (and amazing photographer) that took our maternity pictures was going to be there at the hospital with us to take pictures of Bella. It just so happened that since Bella was so excited to come out and see us, our photographer was in Hawaii at the time. :(   Although I was sad that she wouldn't be able to be a part of our time with Bella, I knew that God was in control of the situation. My sister was there to take a ton of pics, we had all the pictures that Becky took, and I took a ton of pictures as well. My nurses asked me if I would like them to contact someone from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep--an amazing organization comprised of photographers that volunteer their time to provide photographs to parents whose baby does not leave the hospital. They had tried throughout the day to contact several of the local photographers and had not been able to reach any. I told them that I was at peace with it even if they were unable to come, but late in the evening, my nurse said that she had been able to reach one and she would be there later that evening.

Due to the wildfires that were raging that night, our photographer didn't make it to the hospital until around 9:30 pm. By this time, I had been able to take a shower and change into some normal clothes. Robert and I had been debating through the afternoon as to when would be the best time for us to say goodbye to our sweet baby. As if there would ever be a "good"time to say goodbye. It became clear, however, as the evening came, that our time with Bella was coming to a close. There were changes evident in her sweet little body and we wanted to remember her in that way. We were unsure what these continued changes would be like in the morning and we didn't want to risk having a different picture of her when we said goodbye. We wanted to remember her as she was. The timing could not have been more perfect. The photographer came and took pictures for about 30 min. Because I had been up and around, we were able to take family pics on the couch in our room instead of on the hospital bed--in a hospital gown. The woman was very sweet. She quickly finished and quietly left, leaving us alone with Bella. The three of us cuddled on the couch and said our goodbyes to our precious baby. I don't even think I could ever explain how incredibly hard those moments were. We knew that we were just saying goodbye to her earthly body--that she was already snuggled safely in the arms of God. That is probably the only reason they didn't have to scrape me off of the floor at that time. We kissed her as much as possible, and told her we loved her as many times as possible. I had made the decision that I wanted a nurse to come get her from us (versus a stranger from the funeral home) and it just so happened that our precious Nurse Becky was back on duty that night. We called her and asked if she could come to our room. We asked if she would be the one to take Bella from us because we knew that she would take such good care of her. I didn't even let myself think about where she was taking her or what would be done with her past that point. I knew where my baby truly was and that was all that mattered. Becky asked if we wanted her to bring back Bella's gown so we would have it for a keepsake. I told her to leave it on her because that is how I always wanted to remember her. She would forever in my mind be wearing the gown I had made for her. She wrapped my tiny baby in a fresh receiving blanket and waited while we kissed her for the last time. Then she left. With a huge chunk of my heart. Without a doubt, the hardest moment of my life. Almost exactly 24 hours we spent with her and she would change our lives forever.