The Next Day

The day after we said goodbye to Bella was one of the hardest days ever. I had asked for some medication to help me sleep that night and our sweet nurses didn't bother us and let us sleep in. It was so nice to get a full night's sleep, but still, we woke up feeling so empty. Empty Belly--Empty Arms--Full Hearts. We got around and packed up all of our things so that we would be ready as soon as they released us. My OB had checked on me sometime around 5am so he had already signed off on my release. I assumed it would take quite awhile for us to get checked out and released. With my previous deliveries, it always seemed to take hours. Maybe they understood that we were ready to get out of there--away from the memories. When my nurse came back to check on me, we told her we were ready to start the checkout process. She ran over a quick list of instructions for me and told me that she would call someone to wheel me out. They would be there in about 10 min! So roughly 36 hours after my surgery, I was set to leave--Empty handed. This was the moment I had dreaded since learning of Bella's diagnosis. How backwards is it to come to the hospital with a big belly, have a baby, and then leave empty handed with a flat (ish) belly?  I braced myself as we waited for our escort. 2 of the kindest older gentlemen came with a wheelchair and a cart for our bags. They obviously knew our situation and were so kind and tender in that horrible moment. As soon as I sat down in the chair, I began to lose it. I will never forget the ride to the elevator. Past the nursery window with the happy new father peering in the window. Past the nurses station where they all looked at me with sympathetic looks. Bawling in the elevator. The man pushing me asked if I would like some fresh air while we waited for my husband to pull the car around. He waited with me, offered me my water, patted my shoulder. No words would help, so no words were offered. I hugged him as he helped me into the car and we drove away. Every second we drove pulled me further away from Bella. And yet, we reached a point when despair gave way to hope. Yes, we were driving away from her, but we were getting closer and closer to my other babies. I could not wait to see them!

I made myself pull it together by the time we got home. I was greeted at our house by 2 sweet little faces.  They had missed their mommy and daddy. And we had missed them. Throughout this entire ordeal. They had been our saving grace. They forced us to keep moving, keep smiling. For that I am eternally grateful. We decided that we would stay in the guest bed that night because it was easier for me to get into (our bed is approximately 10 feet off of the ground). So that night, we were sleeping upstairs down the hall from Brother's room when I heard him whimper a few times followed by a scared cry. This was very unlike him so I quickly got out of bed and hurried to his room (especially quickly considering my current level of pain). I realized when I got to his room that he had gotten sick in his bed. This was only the second time he had ever thrown up, so he was kind of freaked out. In that split second, I had to figure out how in the world I was going to handle this. How could I comfort my scared and sick baby boy and clean up the mess when I was in the state I was in? I stripped off his messy clothes, carefully sat on the floor and eased him onto my lap. I yelled for Daddy who was very much asleep by now to come bring us a washcloth and make a pallet for Bro to sleep on our floor. As I sat there rocking him and petting his head, I really wanted to feel sorry for myself. Why now God?  And his answer came quickly and so reassuringly. "Life will go on. You will continue to be a Mommy. I will be with you."  Some of you might remember that the night I found out about Bella's diagnosis, Sissy got really sick. It may sound like a really strange thing to be thankful for, but at that moment, I was so glad for those two events. It kept me from feeling sorry for myself and forced me back into the role of Mother.   And it made me realized that life would keep moving along with God leading the way.

Luckily, Brother quickly recovered that night (and I never caught his bug!). We spent the next morning with our kiddos and then we packed them up to go spend some quality time with Mimi and Papa and their cousins, aunts and uncles over Labor Day weekend. My husband and I were able to have some downtime and some quiet time. My sister and my brother's girlfriend (hopefully future sister-in-law---no pressure bro!) were constantly texting me pics and videos of my kiddos so I wouldn't feel left out while I recouped at home.

(for some reason, when i posted this the first time, this last paragraph got deleted..)

We will have a few more kid-free days before their Mimi brings them home. A few more days to rest and cry my eyes out. I miss my babies though and I can't wait to get them back. I look forward to the next season of life. I know that there will be many difficult days ahead. But I am looking forward to enjoying this beautiful fall weather with my babies. Yes, there will be days of sadness, but I'm looking forward to lots of good days.