I've sprung a leak

Well, the last 4 or 5 days have been really hard. I was so excited to see my kiddos last week and after about an hour of them being home, I was beat down and exhausted, laying on the couch. I was so incredibly frustrated, wondering how on earth I was going to manage. My mother needed to get back to spend the weekend with my dad, but my husband would be there with me to help out. As my mom prepared to leave Friday afternoon, I had to fight back tears. I didn't want her to feel bad for leaving. I was just really scared. I had no clue how I was going to be able to get back to normal. Not only could I not keep up with my kids for more than an hour, but the emotions/hormones have started getting the best of me as well. It seems like I will just start crying, even when I'm not necessarily thinking about Bella, and then I start thinking about her, and then I can't stop crying. The past few days, I've felt like I've sprung a leak.

Today was the first day I've been completely on my own with the kids since Bella's birthday. Also, the first day I've driven a car since then. In order to be able to drive, I had to get off my pain pills, and maybe that's part of the reason I have been hurting more in addition to the physical toll that caring for a one year old and 3 year old brings.

The bible study I attend that is geared for young moms started back today. The group of girls I attend that study with have been such an incredible blessing to me since Bella's diagnosis. Many of them were present at the hospital for Bella's birthday. They also helped organize a CareCalendar for me which has meals lined up for our family for about a month. And since Bella's diagnosis, they have been praying for us around the clock--literally. They each signed up for a time slot during the day and pledged to pray daily for our family during that time. This morning, as we started our group time, they went around the table and told me what time they had been praying for me. I can't tell you what a blessing that was to me. I am so blessed to not only have a wonderful church family, but to have this amazing group of women as well.

The church that offers the MOMs bible study, also offers an Infant Loss Support Group as part of their counseling services. I have been aware of this group since learning about Bella's diagnosis. I think it can only be described as God's timing that they happen to be starting up again tonight. I had debated on whether or not a group like that would be "necessary" for me. But after the last few days of tears and sadness, I think it could prove to be invaluable. I am looking forward to attending tonight with my husband.

I don't mean to paint a picture of "doom and gloom" by any means. We have had plenty of happy times this weekend. We have played outside until dark most nights, enjoying our awesome weather.  Even now as I type this, my sweet daughter has been wollering me to death with giggles and kisses and slobbery hugs. It is definitely hard to be sad when the kids are around. But when we lay in bed at night, the tears usually come. I welcome them as I know it is just part of the healing process, but it will be nice when I don't wake up with a headache every morning from crying the night before ;)

Thank you so much to everyone who has sent flowers, cards, food and prayers our way. We cannot probably ever express how blessed we have felt over the last few months and especially the last couple of weeks. Thank you so very much.

Sincerely, Mica